What the Heart Wants
by mahtra
Summary: The Heart wants what it can't have. How can you go on with your life when everything you thought stable is changing? How do you cope when your heart's desire is beyond your reach? Warning: Complex plotline in AU. Some non-canon pairings. Rated M for language and possible sexual violence. Post 3x13. Don't like, don't read!
1. Chapter 1

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

About this story:

_This work is pure fiction. I did not do scientific research on really anything in this story. I was simply inspired by other works of fictions and took the facts from published authors, TV shows and the oh so unreliable internet. _

_I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I count on you to point out any linguistic or cultural mistakes I make. Thank you very much. And please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so whenever I mess up with structures, terms and laws, tell me. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible._

_**And of course a special thanks to Jelly Bean Jenna for her superb beta skills. She got me to publishing in the first place and had to put up with all my excitement:) THANK YOU!**  
_

* * *

July 16 2012

The key turned in its locked effortlessly. Of course it would. After all the keys were made for this lock. Back when he wasn't so sure if he would get those keys, he had thought about picking the lock. Ultimately he had decided against it, he knew that would not help him in the long run. He had to prove that he was trustworthy. And if that meant he would have to keep his distance a little bit longer, he would do it. He was sure that if he was persistent enough, he would get what he so desperately wanted. Failure was not an option.

But in the end it hadn't taken too much convincing. And now he had the keys. His tasks were simply. He was to check whether or not everything was in order. He was to collect letters and deliveries from the mail box and keep an eye open for potential surveillance. Once inside the apartment he was to keep the rooms in order and move the blinds.

He came here everyday. Everyday he brought a different bunch of flowers. He knew the flowers were supposed to have some kind of meaning. But he couldn't always bring himself to care, what exactly they were supposed to say, or the meaning behind them. Sometimes he was simply too unhappy, that he couldn't do more than bring flowers. By now the woman at the flower shop knew him and his schedule quite well. She always had his bouquet ready, when he came in. So he simply put the flowers on the table. Then he went to the almost bare fridge. He took out the uneaten meal from the previous day. He reached into his messenger bag and got the plastic container with the new meal. His thumb brushed across the sticky paper on the lid. He wondered if this one would be read. The last one had never been seen by the eyes it was intended for.

With that, everything he had to and wanted to do was done. But somehow he couldn't bring himself to leave it at that. This was one of the few places he felt like his mind was at peace. So he always stayed a little bit longer than necessary. He would dust the shelves, vacuum or check if the sheets still smelled fresh.

Then he would sit down on the couch. He would brush his hand across the upholstery and think about the past and what he had walked away from. He would let his head fall back and look at the ceiling. His new job still had him out of his depth from time to time. In the morning he had to remind himself more often than not, that he would not wear his uniform today. Here in this peace and quiet he could finally think of the complicated mess he had made out of his life.

He must have sat there for an immeasurable amount of time, before he finally rubbed his hand across his face and stood up. Today was one of those days when he really felt his age. He was not 35 anymore. After he had collected the old food and flowers, he checked the apartment once again. Then finally grabbed the keys and switched off the lights. He was about to lock up when Mrs. Lundin, the neighbor from across the hall came towards him and greeted him friendly.

"Oh hello Sam, so good to see you!"

"Yeah, you too, Mrs. Lundin!"

"Well, don't be a stranger, Sam. How is Andy? Is she coming home soon? I mean it is great, that she wants to take care of her sister, but you must miss her. Don't you? I mean you and Andy are such a nice couple. I wouldn't be surprised if she would move out, once she is back. You know, into a bigger place with several bedrooms and your last name on the doorplate."

Mrs. Lundin was as subtle as a sledgehammer when she winked. Sam didn't know what he should do, or say. He was supposed to play the supportive boyfriend for her neighbors. But right now, he felt like throwing up. So he smiled a tense smile and bid her goodbye.

On his way home he made a quick stop at the cemetery. He got the flowers from Andy's apartment and went to visit his best friend. By now it had become some kind of daily ritual. He would come home from work or the Penny, cook, get the flowers, drive to Andy's and exchange the flowers and food. He would reflect on their relationship, before he went and saw Jerry. He would then go and tell Jerry about his newest plans to win Andy back. If he had a difficult case, he would also tell his best friend what they knew so far.

He missed his best friend. They had been so different, but still somehow so much the same. Jerry would have known, what he should do. He had always been the ladies man. He had been the one, who knew how to commit. Sam wished, not for the first time, that Jerry was still here and could give him advice. He knew that there were plenty of people, to whom he could turn to for advice. But he wanted Jerry. The others were not the same. The closest he had gotten to let someone in on the events, had been Nash. Even though Traci had been extremely hostile towards him in the beginning, she had reluctantly let him tell his side of the story. As far as he knew, she had only done it, to get as much informations as possible from him to brief Andy on her return. But that didn't matter. He was honest with her. He doubted, that telling her best friend, that he loved Andy, would do much harm.

During the day he tried to stay busy as much as he could. Since Andy was gone, Sam had worked out more than ever before in his life. Not only did it clear his head, he also wanted to look his best when Andy finally came back. He knew he was not getting younger. And she had just spend the last six month with a young ex-soldier. Getting wider around the waist was not the way to impress her.

Now in the evenings at home alone he would get the lonely meal, pull the Post It off and stick it to his kitchen cabinet with the others. He would then proceed to microwave his food and eat alone in front of the TV. His life was sad and he knew it. But with Andy gone he couldn't bring himself to care.


	2. Chapter 2

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

_About this story:_

_I am not part of any Motorcycle Club and do not want to offend any MC. This work is pure fiction. I made up the name, patch and cut. Any similarities are not intended. I did not do scientific research on real MCs. I was simply inspired by other works of fictions and took the facts from published authors, TV shows and the oh so unreliable internet._

_So please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so please point out any mistakes concerning structures, terms and laws. I have made a small dictionary with acronyms, police organziations and biker language for all you, who are not completely familiar with the Toronto Police Service. You can find it under "What the Heart Doesn't Understand". As far as I understood is Québec the province with the most MCs. So in my version the task force is a cooperation with RMCP (I switched the letters for copyright reasons) and SQ. How else could they work somewhere outside Toronto in still be employed by Toronto Metropolitan Police?_

___I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible_, so any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I hope that my syntax and grammar are understandable in general, but I will make linguistic and cultural mistakes from time to time. I count on you to point those out. Thank you very much.

_Finally, if someone is underaged or does not agree with offensive language, please do not read this chapter. If you contact me, I will send you a another version of the chapter instead!  
_

**It is embarrassing, but in my very first upload I forgot to mention the person who got me to publish this idea in the first place. So please stand up and give a round of applause for my awesome beta Jelly Bean Jenna! Thank you very much!**_  
_

**I would also like to thank all of you, who have reviewed. I was excited about every single review I got. It made me update a lot quicker than I originally planned. For those of you, who didn't sign in: Unfortunately I can't reply to your reviews, even though I would like to.  
**

* * *

July 16 2012

"Michel Perrineau, you are under arrest for unlawful confinement, sexual harassment, aggravated assault, arson, conspiracy to commit murder, witness intimidation, motor vehicle theft, drug trafficking, failure to pay child support, possession of an illegal weapon, failure to present authorization to carry concealed weapons..."

"Barnie Murphy, you are under arrest for kidnapping, unlawful confinement, human trafficking, gun trafficking, rape, fraud, forgery, possession of an illegal weapon, possession of an illegal substance, motor vehicle theft, theft of human remains, armed robbery..."

"Ryan Andrews, I am arresting you for possession of an illegal gun, failure to present authorization to carry concealed weapons, unlawful confinement, tax evasion, criminal conspiracy to commit terrorism, raising money for an act of terrorism, assault of an police officer..."

"Claude Lucielle, you are under arrest for torture, human trafficking, kidnapping, assault, aggravated assault, sexual assault, rape, harassment, extortion, animal cruelty, raising money for an act of terrorism , copyright piracy on a commercial scale..."

"Kenny Magnusson, you are under arrest for armed robbery, possession with the intent to distribute an illegal substance, theft of human remains, falsification of evidence, willful trademark counterfeiting, copyright piracy on a commercial scale..."

"Donna St. Esprit you are under arrest for indecent exposure, prostitution, theft, possession of an illegal substance, possession with the intent to distribute an illegal substance, driving under the influence of alcohol, fraud, tax evasion, conspiracy to commit murder..."

"Mark Pearlman you are under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder, criminal conspiracy to commit terrorism, raising money for an act of terrorism, arson, human trafficking, gun trafficking, rape, torture, aggravated assault, harassment..."

"Brenda Stahl you are under arrest for fraud, forgery, indecent exposure, tax evasion, possession of an illegal gun, failure to present authorization to carry concealed weapons and... thank you very much... that's littering darling!"

Everywhere around her, were police officers. The whole clubhouse was filled with policemen wearing rifle proof vests. Warrants were handed out, dirty deeds listed and rights read. To an untrained eye it might seem chaotic, but she saw how the whole team worked together. She only saw one familiar face and for that she was grateful. They had reassured her, that here in Toronto only the ETF team, RMCP and some detectives from SQ would do the bust. None of them knew that cops were amongst the culprits. Her handler Jimmy had reassured her, that only Luke would be present.

He himself would stay away today. It was too dangerous, they could be made in the very end. Their real identity would stay obscured as long as possible. And an arrest wasn't enough to keep them safe. The charges hadn't been pressed. They were not safe yet. With the influential lawyers the MC had, it was possible that of the overwhelming mass of accusations only a few would stick. They hoped to flip some of the prospects at least. And until they had every single club member and Ol' Lady of this chapter in custody, they would have to stay out of sight. She had seen, how the girls were treated around here. Not just the Ol' Ladies and the Mamas, but the Cuties and the working girls, they trafficked. She was sure, if they got to her after today, she would beg to die.

So she had given everything she had and played her role. So well in fact that she wondered why there was no theater group at Toronto Police Service. She was sure she could play the lead easily after this whole ordeal.

There would be no problem, if she had to play a cheap hooker ever again. She lay facedown on the sidewalk and felt the metal of the handcuffs shave her wrist. They had cuffed her too tightly and by now her nerves endings had started to tingle. Her neck hurt from looking up all the time, but she wanted to see what was going on. It was her ovation after all. The full members were already cuffed and put into the squad cars. She seemed to be a low priority right now and was able to observe the search.

Patrick had already been led away and was probably already at the nearest precinct. She didn't know exactly how it would work. Her handler had been vague on purpose. But apparently they would mess up in booking and put him in a cell with Sonny. He had build a good relationship with the guy. And now he had to make his play. Just in passing he would suggest to him, that he should talk and go into witness protection. He would remind him, that he wanted to be there for Marielle, when she gave birth. He was also the best shot they had. He was their hacker and their bookkeeper. If Sonny would talk, they could get them for their white collar crimes and follow the money to trafficking.

Patrick Kowalski had been amazing. He had been her rock. And not just that. He had done a terrific job. All of the members loved him. He had been patched long before his trial period was supposed to end. Never before had a UC managed to infiltrate the club and he had even managed to speed up the promotion from prospect. There had been a few cops in the vicinity of suppliers or contractors. But with the big number of dirty cops on their payroll no one had ever gotten in before. She knew that a lot of that had to do with Luke's impeccable planning and plotting. But Rick had taken that up and beyond. He had made personal sacrifices, no one expected him to make. He had shown an unbelievable commitment. And all the while he kept her safe. She knew what women were worth in these circles. She couldn't delude herself into thinking, that she could take care of her own here. She needed her partner to have her back.

She had been watching the crime techs wheel the bikes on to a truck, when she heard a bored voice address her.

"Well Ma'am... It looks like it is your turn. Who do we have here? I am assuming you won't tell me your name, correct?... Ok, let's see... Ma'am, I am going to pat you down now. Is there anything like a sharp or pointed object that might hurt me?"

Sandy laughed. Where would she keep anything to hurt the officer? Her purse and the gun inside were bagged as evidence a long time ago. Her skirt was microscopic and her corset was so tight she wondered if they didn't see her ribs. She felt the hands slip her drivers license and a small baggy out of the top of her boots. A moment later she heard paper rustle.

"Hmm... McAllister, Sandra Anne... ah... yeah... There you go... Sandra McAllister, I am arresting you for possession of an illegal substance, forgery, fraud, theft, tax evasion, possession of an illegal weapon and of course failure to present authorization to carry concealed weapons. It is my duty to inform you that you have the right to retain and instruct counsel without delay. You may call any lawyer you want. There is a 24-hour telephone service available which provides a legal aid duty lawyer who can give you legal advice in private. This advice is given without charge and the lawyer can explain the legal aid plan to you. If you wish to contact a legal aid duty lawyer, I can provide you with a telephone number. Do you understand? Do you want to call a lawyer? You are not obliged to say anything, but anything you do say may be given in evidence."

Sandy nodded. She briefly wondered why the officer had chosen the long warning. She usually only did that, in cases where the perp seemed to be educationally deprived, below the breadline or might even be a victim. Was that how the officer saw her now? It made her a bit uneasy. But when it came down to it, it didn't really matter. She knew the protocol and she wanted to see Rick. She worried a bit about him. What if one of the dirty cops had evaded SIU? She knew from first hand experiences how fellow officers reacted to a snitch. And even if not, the club had enough blood on its hand, that he would not be handled carefully. She didn't want to see her partner hurt. And then there was the question of, if he had managed to flip Sonny yet. It would be one hell of a career move, if he could pull that off.

* * *

The buzzer sounded in the sally port of Forth Division as Sandy tried to shake her legs, she was restless. By now the aches in her body were spreading up her arms into her shoulders. Her fingers had first fallen asleep and felt numb now. She could feel the lump on the side of her head, from where she had crashed into the divider on a sharp turn. Her skin itched from the filthy floor, she had to lain on, and she was feeling a little bit hungry. But she cherished these feelings, because they meant that their work had gone well. They hadn't been made and they had collected enough evidence, to make a bust. Right now she was almost feeling giddy and she had to concentrate on playing her part.

Her arresting officer grabbed her upper arm and lead her into booking. The layout of the area was almost exactly like the one in Fifteen. She remembered the rules: opaque doors, tiled walls and floors and at least 5 feet distance between the counter and the bench. Only the holding cell here was off to the side. She saw how Nicky, Jake's Ol' Lady, was lounging on the bench and watching the officers at work as if it was a TV show.

It was an unexpected change in the plan. She should be in a cell by now.

Sandy had never liked Nicky with her ruthless, greedy attitude. She was pretty sure, that the MC had called in some favors and she was staying here on purpose. After all it was the perfect place to watch over booking. If her booking routine would only slightly differ from the others, she would report it back and Sandy would be dead within the day. It wouldn't matter if she was at headquarters' or on a remote island off the coast of Brazil. They would come to get her.

She was glad for Luke's layers of disguise. He had substituted her fingerprints in the database. Of course it was against every rule they could think of, but he had promised her to keep them safe. He had also recruited their handler Jimmy from RMCP and they had been given a whole week at a safe house in Québec to prepare. Sandy couldn't remember how many lines of powdered sugar she had sniffed, while Patrick had taken his old bike apart and remodeled it completely. At the end of the week they already called each other by their cover names and Sandy had perfected joint rolling to a science.

But even if her fingerprints wouldn't match, they would want to transfer her to headquarters soon. She had to think of a way to distract Nicky, while she was processed.

"Fuck you, Nicky! Why couldn't you stuff your leaks? I told you weeks ago, that they came investigating. Now the Feds want to talk to me! You know what is on the line for me and Rick! We told you from the start, we can't be extradited. If you could have just thought like an Ol' Lady for five minutes..."

"How dare you, you cunt! You are an Ol' Lady for all of five minutes and you want to lecture me. ME. I, at least know how to do my job! At least I know how to silence people. If you just knew how to do your job, we wouldn't have this mess. I told you how to blackmail him. But no, you are too fucking stupid. If you can't even do that, what's going to happen then? If the club asks something important from you? Hu? You, little whore, will probably bring a murder charge back to us."

Sandy saw the booking officer give his colleague a meaningful look. She was pretty sure, Nicky didn't know, what she had just done. But Sandy wouldn't mind if they could add a few more charges. That bitch deserved it.

After they had finally finished processing her, she was led to a holding cell. Later someone would come and sign the transfer papers for her DEA interrogations at headquarters'. If the club would ever try to follow the paper trail, they would most certainly get lost in the chaos of international jurisdictions and raise a lot of red flags in the process. Luke had spent a lot of time preparing the protocol and so far everything was going great.

* * *

She raised her arms and examined her wrists. So far they looked alright, the skin was only slightly irritated. And just if she bent them all the way back or forth would they hurt like hell. They had taken off her boots for safety reasons and her feet rejoiced at their freedom. But for the moment her ribs were the worst. She had the corset on for the whole evening and the pressure on her ribs started to get uncomfortable. She wished she had worn a top. But she didn't want to change her normal attire too much and not wearing her property patch would have been a give away. So now she was stuck in the corset. Literally. She hoped Luke would get a move on. Her adrenaline had already started to leave her system. And once it was gone, they wouldn't get any work done anymore.

She heard the sound of how the door was opened rather than saw it. The small breeze in the stale air of the room was so very welcome. She looked up and saw Luke. He smiled at her with a proud expression.

"Oh thank God, you're here. Luke, can you please take my corset off?"

His eyes got as big as saucers and he cleared his voice uncomfortably.

"Oh my God... did I really say that? I am sorry, it's not what I mean. It's just that my ribs are killing me and I've got the feeling my boobs will be pressed to my chin for the rest of my life. Remember, they are always tender at this time of the month, so it is even worse. And you know how you tighten a corset in the back? I can't get it off on my own. Please Luke, can't you find some t-shirt or something for me to wear? Please Luke!"

"Erm, yeah. Hello Andy! As I wanted to say earlier, a detective from the task force and someone from the Crown Attorney Office will witness your debriefing through the mirror. But maybe Detective Jax can go and fetch a sweater from my gym bag before we start."

After Andy had gotten Luke's old Police Academy sweater and got rid of the corset, she finally sat down.

"Erm... yeah... I know you have done undercover work before, but this is your first longterm UC. So this debriefing is similar to what you have done before. You just tell us what you were doing. Start with who your target was and how you gained access. Then proceed to tell us about developments and try to remember what illegal activities you witnessed. We will let you talk freely at first and only ask brief questions to clarify. Later we will delve deeper into the matter and we will analyze specific events more closely.

I know that it is already quite late, so for today we will start with the general statement. You will go to a a secret and safe location for tonight and we will then continue with your debriefing in the following days. Please do not contact your partner or your handler. At least until not you have finished with your initial statement. We don't want your statements contaminated.

Before we start I want you to know one more thing: This time you had a handler. He is not here tonight, not to influence your or his statement. You can and should mention any illegal activities, he, your partner or you yourself participated in. We know that certain unlawful activities can't be avoided and as a undercover officer, you have a certain amnesty. But it is important for the prosecution to know these things. Please note though, that this amnesty does not cover grievous offenses like murder. So, if you would like to have council or a union rep present, please let us know.

Ok, now that we have all this legal stuff behind you, why don't you start. Can you please tell us your personal informations for the record..."

"My name is Andrea Margaret McNally. I was born on December 3, 1983 here in Toronto. My SIN is four four six four five four two eight two. My badge number is eight seven two two.

I have been working as a undercover officer in the context of 'Project Dakota'. During my time undercover from January 6 until today July 16 2012 I was partnered with Nicolas Joseph Collins from Division Fifteen of the Toronto Police Service, his badge number is nine nine five seven. Our handler was James Mortimer from the Royal Mounted Canadian Police. We also worked together with someone we know as Ryan Andrews, a Lieutenant Detective from Sûreté du Québec.

I was given the alias of Sandra Anne McAllister, born October 5, 1983 in Omaha, Nebraska. My partner became at the same time Patrick Kowalski. My job during this operation was to infiltrate the Outlaw-Motorcycle Club 'Hordes of Chaos'. I focussed in this capacity on the connection between members and outsiders as well as accessories. I was to decipher their verbal communications such as the code for buys and for prison communications. My colleague was responsible for trafficking. He discovered the frequency, methods and associates of the 'HoC's. He furthermore estimated the street value of the various smuggled goods and discovered the distributers in Ontario.

Hmm... I guess, I should start with what we actually did:

We stayed at first a week in Maniwaki, Québec, where we met the team members from the RMCP, Ontario Provincial Police and United States Border Patrol and Customs. We got familiar with the prevailing case law as well as national and international jurisdictions. We then mapped out a plan of action for the different parts of the undercover projects. During this time we worked on our cover story and walked through the different protocols with Jimmy. Erm, sorry, I mean James Mortimer of course. He had offered Patrick to get him a seized bike, but Patrick declined and got instead new plates for his bike from Toronto. Rick explained to us that he would need to know exactly what had been done with the bike and where its kinks were. Because of previous experiences I was glad, that we didn't have to use a seized vehicle.

We were then moved to Mississauga, Ontario and made contact with the Motorcycle club 'Hordes of Chaos'. We were posing as a couple and moved into an apartment in the same block with one of the so called club mamas, Donna St. Esprit. I then started at my job at the civil registration office, while Patrick Kowalski found a job as a truck driver. We went to certain spots, we knew were frequented by members of the MC. Patrick went regularly to the bike shop of a certain Michel 'Star' Perrineau and looked for parts. We also went to a diner where I explained loudly that I had gotten the job at the registry office. After a few days my partner was approached by Mark 'Pearly' Pearlman. He invited him to a charity run on January 25. Rick went with them. Afterwards we were both invited to the clubhouse for a private party. There we made contact with several other members of the club.

But we also met female and business associates that night and gave Mr. Mortimer the names at our next meet. We were offered several drugs and accepted the invitation to smoke from a bong. We accepted, because it would have looked suspicious otherwise and we wanted them to trust us. Later that evening we were offered cocain, but we could substitute it with baking powder from our own envelopes and then did rails.

The next time Patrick went to shop for bike parts, he was offered to join the club. He accepted. After a relatively short period as a striker with the associated hazing, he was accepted into the inner circle and was patched in on May 28. During the time as prospect Patrick had to perform lookout duties for several crimes like Breaking and Entering, Motor Vehicle Theft, Armed Robbery and the likes. He will be able to give you more details on these offenses. As a full member with me as his Ol' Lady, we were then approached with more responsibilities. Rick would smuggle different things across the border and use for that contacts within the U.S. border patrol. They wanted me to get my hands on old birth certificates and current marriage licenses. I was consequently provided with flawed and marked papers though my handler..."

* * *

Andy's debriefing had taken about five hours and she had only outlined their work. In the end Luke had mercy and sent her home to the safe house. He could see how much the events in the second half of her UC had upset her. He didn't want to delve any deeper into these topics before she hasn't had a good nights sleep.

Callaghan wondered not for the first time, if it had really been the right decision to send her undercover. Sure the deadline for the position at the registration office was up and Jimmy wanted to leave Toronto as soon as possible. But maybe he should have taken someone else. He had helped her run away from her problems.

Even then he knew that, forcing her to face her issues would have been the right thing to do. And now, with all the gruesome things she had to witness... He was pretty sure, he had just added to the baggage she carried with her.

Only now it was too late. He tried to reason that he had helped her make a great career move, but he still felt guilty. Andy's life had changed in the past months. He was not sure how Swarek would react, when he was confronted with the new Andy. Maybe he should bring a mouthguard the next time he visited Fifteen. Just in case...

Luke was tired. He had worked a solid eighteen hours a day for the last three weeks and the next few weeks would be even worse. He was worried that his job performance would soon suffer under the stress. The white shirts might have promised that the task force would get more bodies. But that was doubtful. The collars were done. They had gotten their publicity. He was pretty sure, if he asked them again tomorrow, the budget would be too tight for help from the outside. He counted on some personal favors though. He was pretty sure, Frank wouldn't mind helping him out. After all Andy and Nick had played an important part, so it would be an honor to help close the case. Traci had already promised to help out and as far as he knew Sam was doing his most recent rotation at Organized Crime Enforcement, so he would be involved anyway. He would bet his career, that Swarek would clean vomit from squad cars on New Years Eve, if that meant he could be closer to Andy.

He looked at his phone: 3.47 in the morning and a call from Erin at 2.13 am. He could already guess what his twin sister wanted. A few weeks ago she had told him, that she had started her next book and he had no interest in answering endless questions about police proceedings. He got the feeling, that his siblings only ever called, when they wanted to get out of a parking ticket or needed some other favor. He had no intentions of dealing with her in the near future. She might as well go and shadow some poor officer back in Vancouver.

It was time to check on Nick's progress. If he hadn't come through with Sonny, he would have to pull him tomorrow. Everything else would look suspicious. Sonny had yet to contact his lawyer. But he would as soon as they started interrogating him.

The day had been alright. It hadn't been flawless, especially not with the internal investigation, but there were also no major screw ups. The big whiteboard in his office was full of coded characters, only he and his colleagues from the task force could read. He looked out through the windows of his glass cage. By now most of the detectives had left, only a handful were still in the bullpen and typed furiously.

The bust today had gone as expected. As soon as ETF had stormed the clubhouse and the warehouses the bikers had played the innocent victims. They had been cuffed without much resistance and had refused to talk once they were in the interrogation rooms. He had heard, that Homeland Security and ATF had some trouble in Detroit. But all in all everything had gone well.

They had been at the warehouse just in time. The girls had been frightened to death. He felt sorry for them. After everything they had endured to escape their homes, they were now being sent back. He wished there was something he could do. But instead he would force doctors on them, who would completely disregard their privacy. And then he would make them relive the worst weeks of their lives and tape their humiliation. They would probably still hope that at the end of the whole ordeal, they would get a Canadian passport and live in a house with a white picket fence. Instead they would be discarded on a plane never to return. He felt disgusted. Luke knew, that his logic was flawed, but this new torture was the reason he liked being a homicide cop. At least his victim's suffering was over. They didn't have to endure anything else.


	3. Chapter 3

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

Author's Note:

_As I pointed out before, I am not very familiar with Canadian law. But I believe, that a spot in Guns and Gangs would be a detective position. In my RB universe it is at least. So Sam would have to be a detective to go to Guns and Gangs. I imagine, that he was doing a detective rotation, visiting various departments of the detective services previous to the series. As a part of the training in the Intelligence Unit, he had to go under. He then was burned and there was no detective spot available around G'n'G or Fifteen. And so he went back to being a patrol officer. With his growing feelings for McNally, his interest in G'n'G and in a career as a detective diminished. When finally a detective position becomes available at Fifteen, Sam is not eligible because of his suspension. So for now Sam is still a beat cop but with a detective exam in his pocket._

_About this story:_

_This story is pure fiction. I did not do scientific research on real MCs. I was simply inspired by other works of fictions and took the facts for it from published authors, TV shows and the oh so unreliable internet._

_I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I hope that my syntax and grammar are understandable in general, but I will make linguistic and cultural mistakes from time to time. I count on you to point those out. Thank you very much. So please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so feel free point out any mistakes concerning structures, terms and laws. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible. With your help I can achieve that:)_

**A very special "Thank you!" goes again to Jelly Bean Jenna for her patience with my mediocre writing skills._  
_**

**I would also like to thank linda p and MD14 for their reviews and MamaluvsRB for the kind words. Thank you all of you for giving this story a chance!  
**

* * *

January 7 2012

It had taken exactly 17 hours until he knew. Until then, he had still hoped. He wanted so desperately to think, that she just wanted to let him sweat a little. Maybe she really had to think it over, before she was ready to talk. But he was pretty certain, that they were going to be fine. She would come up to him in the days that followed and tell him, that she was ready for the drinks he had mentioned. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon, really soon. That night he had gone to bed disappointed but still hopeful.

It wasn't until the next morning in parade, that he knew something was up. He had checked the schedule everyday for the last two months. He knew every single shift McNally had and today she was supposed to be working. At first he had chalked it up to her oversleeping again. But quite soon his musings had shifted, he had then suspected, that she had changed shifts because she was not ready to face him. He could live with that. But when he didn't see a new name replacing hers on the board, he became worried. The last time she was not at parade she had been attacked in her own living room. He was afraid that she had suffered some more injuries yesterday and was now lying alone in her apartment, dying from internal bleeding. He hadn't heard a single word, Frank had said to them. His worries had consumed all of his thoughts. So he followed the sergeant out of the room, before he had even checked with whom he was partnered.

"Hey Frank, wait!"

"Oh... Hey Sam... Look, I know you don't want to be partnered with Epstein, but it is your turn. I can't make an exception for you."

"What are you... Epstein? Oh forget Epstein... It's fine, I will ride with him. But listen, do you know where McNally is?"

"Halifax, I suppose."

"Halifax? What the hell does she want in Halifax?"

"Erm, as far as I understood her sister had an accident yesterday and she wanted to fly out to help her with the kids..."

"What the hell are you talking about? McNally doesn't have a sister!"

"Well, that is all she told me. I'm sorry. I don't know anything else. Listen, I have to go. And you should get going too or I promise you, you will get desk duty for the next three shifts."

* * *

Halifax. What was in Halifax?

He had tried to call her the whole morning. At first he had hesitated. What if she had run away to clear her head? Should he really call her. But what if she was really sick and Halifax was just a distraction? In the end he called her. Once every twenty minutes. But she never answered.

Around noon they had responded to an armed robbery and Traci joined then. That was when his alarm bells went off. She had no idea either. On top of that she told him, that she had tried to get a hold Andy too. Sam knew that Andy would be there for Traci if she needed her and right now she sounded rather upset in his opinion. So he had sent Epstein to get the witness statements and cornered her. He told her what he had done and what he suspected. But Traci shook her head.

"Ok, maybe she had something more urgent to do than to hear me complain, that I didn't take the spot on the task force. But I am certain that she would have come to talk to me after everything that went down yesterday."

"Traci, what the hell are you talking about? Andy would have been there for you. No matter what else went wrong. Remember after... erm... the last time you needed her. She dropped everything and let you sleep in her bed for weeks."

He had never admitted it and somehow it felt wrong, that he even had these thoughts, but it had hurt him nevertheless. Andy had been there for Traci every night and consoled her. While he had stayed alone in his house. He had been alone with his thoughts and had fought with his grieve. A grieve for a brother in everything but blood. He had needed her too. But stubborn as he was, he had not asked her for her help. Maybe he had been afraid whom she would choose. He refused to dissect every little insecurity.

"Hold on. Did you say, you got the offer yesterday? Do you know if Andy applied?"

"Well, Luke asked me yesterday around three. You know, I had to decide yesterday and he wanted me to leave without saying goodbye to Leo. I couldn't do that. So I had to decline. There would have been some time to find a replacement, I guess. But I don't know. I didn't get to talk to her yesterday evening. You know, someone wouldn't want to leave her side."

"Epstein... Epstein... EPSTEIN! Can you come over here for a minute?... Thanks... So, Nash and I were wondering, if McNally talked to Luke or some detective from another precinct or anyone from Specialized Operations Command yesterday in the afternoon."

"Well, we were at Alice's house yesterday. She talked to some of the guys there. That was in the morning though. Oh yeah, and she talked to ETF after the thing with the grenade. But I kept my distance. You know after my break-up with Sue they are not too fond of me. Luke? Hmm, yeah, I think they talked briefly when we checked in at the barn. But I can't say what they were talking about. Sorry. Sir, is everything alright?"

"When was that?"

"Let's see. Well... were at the house... Crystal called... No, that was before... Hmm... Traci called... Was that before or after?... Yeah... No, that was later... My guess would be around 4.30pm. I think we were at the barn around four or five."

"Sir, what is going on? Is Andy alright?... Sir?"

"Yeah, yeah. Everything ok, Epstein. Thank you. You can go back to your witnesses now."

Sam's mind was reeling. Andy had accepted Luke's offer around five. That meant she already knew she was leaving, before he told her of his fantasy. Of course she couldn't tell him about her UC. But that meant she probably would have met him at the Penny, if she had been able to. So it was Callaghan's fault, that they were still apart.

Traci woke him from his musings. "Ok, Sam. That sounds promising. If she really joined the task force she will be alright and she will come back. Listen, I still have her keys. Once I am finished here, I will go and check out her place just in case. Maybe you can ask some of your old handlers if they know something."

* * *

"Callaghan where the hell is McNally?"

Luke looked up from his work, when he heard Sam burst into the homicide office. He had almost expected something like this.

"Sam. Oh thank you, I am fine. How are you?"

"Cut the crap Callaghan. I talked to Frank and he says Andy is in Halifax with her sister. I want to know where Andy is!"

"Well, my guess would be Nova Scotia. Just like he said."

"Listen, we both know that Andy does not have a sister. Let alone one, that lives in Nova Scotia. You can either tell me where you took her and Collins or I will find out on my own. Yeah, I know about him too. I had to sit next to Peck for three hours and hear her whine. I promise you I will find her."

"Sam. Please stop for a moment. Are you sure that would be a smart move? There is obviously a reason Andy made up this sister. She doesn't want to be found. And if she was on the task force, and I'm not saying that she is, it would be prudent to let the thing rest. You might endanger her, if you tried to look her up. And I promise you, that no undercover cop on the task force has any kind of paper trail to trace. We took special precautions that they can't be made. Neither from this side nor from the other. Maybe you should talk to Tommy and check if Andy really is an only child. Who knows..."

Yesterday, after he had dropped off Andy and Nick, Luke had mapped out a plan how to handle Sam. He knew, that Swarek could ruin everything, if he thought Andy might be in the slightest danger. But on the other hand Sam could be a helpful ally, if things got heated. His times in deep cover might be over, but a short job as a fixer should be alright. He had to find a way to keep him interested but still on the outside.

"I see. But hypothetically... If Andy was on the task force, would it be possible for you to pass on a letter from me?"

"Sam are you sure you want to do that? Every white shirt in Ontario has heard about your last time under. And look at both of your track records. Whenever you two get involved in some kind of undercover work, it gets blown to pieces. What do you want Andy to do? Stop the whole operation to come back to you? Tell you to go to hell and endanger herself by contacting you? I think whatever you want to tell her, it has to wait until you can tell her in person. Whatever you said to her yesterday, she was obviously not ready to hear it. Maybe you should give her some time to come to terms with your newest ideas. Listen, I don't want to sabotage you, but you should think about her career, too. Working on a prestigious task force can be a huge step for someone like her. If you still love her, you would want her to follow her dreams, even if they lead her away from you."

"I want in. I want in on the task force. Damn it. You know me and my work. Only twice have I been made. And both were not my fault. And the second time Brennan went to jail, even though he found out about me."

"Yeah,... I don't think so, Sammy. You know,... Funny, that you mention the Brennan thing... I was there the last time and as I recall it, you were about to be killed and then got suspended, because you couldn't stay away from her. Sam, be realistic for a moment: You know your UC career is over. There is no way you are going back under. You are too well known. And anyway we don't need any more people undercover. We need detectives right now. And you, my friend, have never finished your detective rotation!"

Sam knew that Luke was right. It seemed like a lifetime ago, that he had said to Hill something similar, but he didn't want to give up. He wanted to do something, to get Andy back. Preferably sooner rather than later and in one piece. "Come on, Callaghan, help a guy out. I need to do something. Isn't there anything I can do? What about her place? Who looks after it? I could do that. The neighbors know me already. They wouldn't be too surprised if they see me there. Please, just let me do something."

Luke was surprised that he hadn't thought of it himself. This was the perfect way for Sam to stay clear of the project.

"Fine, you can look after her place. But you know the rules. Any contact between her real life and her life right now might be fatal. If you look after her place you can't go and look for her. That is too dangerous. Do not open the mail, she has given specific instructions for that. And I warn you not to mess up the place to make some big declaration of love. You leave the apartment as it is. I don't care what you see, you do not snoop. If you can do that, I will check if you can get the keys. Oh and Sammy? You don't tell anyone about this. She is in Halifax looking after her sister!"

"Fine. I'll just wait here for the keys."

Once Luke had left his office, Sam took out his phone and typed a quick message. He knew, that he wasn't allowed to tell anyone about Andy, but he owed Nash.

'I just talked to Callaghan. Andy is indeed in Halifax to help her sister, just like we suspected... He is getting me her keys. I will look after her place for the next few months.'

* * *

July 17 2012

Sam had heard the news on the radio on his way to work. He hadn't known anything in advance and wondered. Usually it was Organized Crime Enforcement who did the Gang busts. If they hadn't been involved, there had to have been a task force. His mind came to a sudden stop. As far as he knew there was only one task force in the right time frame for a bust. But that... That would mean, Andy would come home in the foreseeable future...

He tightened the grip on the steering wheel. It didn't matter that he had practiced his speech every night in bed. He had phrased and rephrased every single sentence a hundred times. He had thought of any possible interpretation and weighed every word carefully. But right now, he wanted to throw the whole damn speech out of the window and grab her and kiss her as soon as he saw her.

He pressed down the gas pedal. And before the sports commentator had finished with the most recent loss of the Marple Leafs, he was at 40 College Street. Sam grabbed his gun and badge and dashed across the parking garage and up the stairs. The elevator would have taken too long for him today. Just a month ago he would have been on the highest floor. He was glad, that he had finished his time for the Forensic Identifications Liaison and was back with the Hold Up Squad. They were only on the third floor.

Once he had reached his destination he had caught his breath and opened the doors. As soon as he had joined his colleagues, he knew something was up. The strange mood was almost visible. Sam knew that he as a trainee was still a bit suspicious to them. But that wasn't it. He checked off the faces and wondered who had been in on the task force. There were at least five people missing today. With a count of only seventeen, that was quite a lot. He knew that Callaghan's task force was a prestigious project and the white shirts had been overly helpful. But to withdraw so many detectives from their work, that was much pretty much unheard of.

He checked his time and saw that it was still a bit early for their briefing. One of the Guns and Gangs offices and the Biker Enforcement Unit were just down the corridor. He could try and chat up some of his buddies, before he had to be here for his shift. But when he turned the corner, he saw new number pads and an officer guard the doors. What the hell was going on?

"Sir, Are you a member of the Guns and Gangs or the Biker Unit? "

"Erm. No... Not at the moment. What's going on here?"

"I am sorry sir, but you can't just go in there. As of today, only reviewed members of these squads are allowed behind those doors. Meetings between members from different units are to be held in a neutral room in this building. If you tell me who you want to see, I can go and check if said person was granted access. There is a conference room down the hall on your right. You may wait there."

Sam was dumbfounded. What the hell was going on? The last time he had dealt with that much security, he had been at the airport in Tel Aviv.

"Never mind, I will call them."

* * *

The briefing this morning had lacked information. The bust yesterday had indeed been the big takedown of 'Project Dakota'. It had been focussing on trafficking, Outlaw MCs and their connection to dirty cops. Apparently the Biker Enforcement Unit had some real issues with integrity and for the time being Guns and Gangs was at a vulnerable point in the investigations. So they were kept away from the rest. The Detective Sergeant had commandeered Detective Calza to help out in Don Mills with G'n'G. Because the MCs were rarely involved with Hold Ups, work would continue as usual for the rest of them.

Even though the Sergeant hadn't given much information on the task force, he had at least explained the whereabouts of three detectives. O'Laughlin was at court. Lazarus had called in sick and Detective Sanchez was on administrative leave. Sam was somewhat relieved, that his colleagues were all accounted for except one. Sanchez had to shoot a man, when he resisted arrest and threatened to kill his five year old niece. And Lazarre was always sick. Every time he came back, he would moan how he had just escaped death. The whole time the Sergeant spoke, Sam had counted the heads, one was sill missing. But he could't figure out, who it was. He was supposed to be attentive. He should remember the faces in a crowd and now he couldn't even tell, who was not mentioned this morning. In Sam's mind there was no doubt that, whoever it had been, was now under investigation for some unethical behavior.

As soon as he heard what the target of the task force was, Sam had started to worry about Andy. She would have to endure hell, if she had been telling on other cops. He wished he could have convinced Callaghan to switch places with her.

During his day Sam had serious trouble concentrating on the task at hand. They had been called to a hold up by Division 32 and spent the whole day running around and chasing leads. At five o'clock they arrested a Fourteen-year-old and waited an hour for his grandparents and the lawyer to arrive. At that point he had almost hoped that Claire McNally would show up and put a spoke in his wheel. He was desperate for information on Andy. Fifty minutes later Sam knew the name of the accomplice. He cursed the boy. If he had waited to confess until tomorrow, he could long be on his way home or even better on his way over to Andy's. But instead he had to fill out more paperwork for a BOLO. Traci had texted Sam around three. She had informed him, that she was helping Luke out with the task force and that Andy was indeed back. She had seen her briefly and thought she would be home tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

_About this story:_

_This work is pure fiction. I did not do scientific research on really anything in this story. I was simply inspired by other works of fictions and took the facts from published authors, TV shows and the oh so unreliable internet. So please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so please point out any mistakes concerning structures, terms and laws. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible. Finally, I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I hope that my syntax and grammar are understandable in general, but I will make linguistic and cultural mistakes from time to time. I count on you to point those out. Thank you very much._

**This might not be the Academy Awards, but I would still like to thank Jelly Bean Jenna for her fantastic help in editing this story! **

**Thanks also MamaluvsRB for the detailed feedback. I enjoyed our conversation very much. You ****convinced me with your kind review to update this chapter earlier than planned.** Linda p, I appreciate your frequent reviews very much. I would like to thank as Guest, who signed with Tiger. Your reviews are wonderful, but unfortunately I can't reply to them._  
_

* * *

July 17 2012

Andy was exhausted. After another interview, she sat down and studied the names of the arrested. There were a lot of names she had never heard of, but all the names from her list had been arrested and charged. As far as she could tell it would be safe to go home tonight. She was glad. The safe house might have been beautiful, but it reminded her too much that she wasn't off the hook yet. She wanted to go home and sleep in her own bed.

She still hadn't seen Nick and wondered how he was doing. She missed him. Last night alone in the strange bed, she had been unable to fall asleep.

The last time they had spoken privately before the big bust, Nick had told her, that he was afraid to face Gail. He very much wanted to continue what they had. And he hoped that she would have had enough of Europe and come home, if he asked her. But he was scared, how things would work out if he was back to being a regular cop and she had to find another job. He told Andy that he was serious about Gail and would stick with her for better and for worse. But he wasn't so sure, that Gail felt the same way. Back in january she had gone and made travel plans without ever asking his opinion. He knew, that she wasn't running from him, but rather from the end of her short career at the TPS. Still, it had hurt him. He had played the supportive boyfriend, because once upon a time, he had been the one to run away from a chapel in Las Vegas. Andy was pretty sure, Nick still kept their rings somewhere. Now it would be time, to check how far apart fantasy and reality really were.

She was glad, that it had been dark when he had told her, she wasn't sure she could have fooled him otherwise. The lamps had been switched off for the night and they had lain in their bed ready to go to sleep. Andy had rejoiced at the feeling of his big hand around hers. He had traced small circles with his fingers as they had talked some about the bust the following day. It didn't take long for the topic to change to their lives after the task force. Both of them knew it would be difficult. So they cherished the feeling of normality before their lives were disrupted once again.

She remembered his goofy lines and earnest support, back when she needed a breakup buddy. He had been so supportive. But in the end the stupid book had been right: Out of sight, out of mind. With a friend like Nick it was easy to get over any emotionally unavailable jackass.

Unfortunately with someone like him, it was also very easy to fall in love. Everyday they had to pretend they were in love. Patrick's attentiveness and tender gestures were too much to resist. And even though she had sworn off men, he had found a way to sneak into her heart. And there he was. Andy had tried to downplay her feelings for him as friendship and camaraderie. He was her partner and they worked so closely every day in a hostile environment. It was just logical to trust him. But in the end, she knew that she was only fooling herself. She had fallen for him.

She knew, that he saw her only as a friend, maybe even as a sister, but that didn't help her feelings towards him. He was totally committed to Gail. At night, when he would occupy his side of the bed and moved on to conquer her side, she would let him and wonder how they would be together. How it would be, if they went to bed as a couple.

* * *

Andy wandered around the office space. She wanted to talk to Luke about going home, but at the moment he seemed to be in a heated argument on the phone. She wondered what that was all about. Luke was meticulous at work. There would be no aspect of any case he handled, that was not planned to perfection. After he had finally finished his call she knocked on his door.

"Hey. Sorry to interrupt. I wanted to talk to you. But I can come back later if you want."

"No. Don't worry. I was just on the phone with Michael. You know how he is, the pompous ass."

"Oh how is he doing? How is the rest of your family?"

"Well, he seems to be in a bit of trouble for once. Apparently he hooked up with one of his grad students, at the Vestibule of all places, and now the Dean wants to take his professorship away. Even though he is at Vic and Michael is at UoT my dad has probably ten times my power at the university, but Michael thinks I am his legal aid lawyer. I've been a detective for over ten years and my family still doesn't understand what I do. I am sorry, you probably didn't come here to hear me complain. What's on your mind?"

"Oh don't worry, I'd like to hear about your family. I mean, I haven't met them that often, especially Erin and Fiona, but I liked them. Your mother is really nice and I have never met anyone better at story telling than your farther."

"Yeah, well my dad is a historian. It's what he does for a living. What about you? I guess you want to know, if it is safe to go home. I am so sorry, Andy. I don't know where my head is. Here I am complaining about my family, when you haven't seen yours in months. I am really an ass! You are free to go. All the guys from the 'Hordes' are under arrest. There should be no way for them to find you, especially if you loose the red hair. I wasn't sure, if you wanted to contact your family and friends right away and consulted a bit with Traci. For now I have told Tommy and your mother that your work undercover is over, that you were not harmed and that there is no immediate danger. I told them that you are still debriefing and that it could take a couple of days before you can go back to your old life. So you can still take a few days before you have to visit them. I hope you are ok with that. I know, that I was a bit too forward, but I would want to know how you are."

"Oh Luke, you are great. I will probably pay my dad a short visit tomorrow. But I am not sure I am up for a visit from Claire. What about work? Am I allowed to visit Fifteen? I would really like to see the others."

"Well, first of all at least until August you are still working with the task force and Biker Enforcement Unit. Honestly though, you did really, really good! And yes, of course you are allowed to visit the barn. It's probably one of the safest places to be for you right now. Best knows the basics of the operation. You have already seen that Traci is working here for the time being. Frank let me borrow her. He is immensely proud of you two and didn't want the follow up to slack. Traci volunteered, because she wanted to see you as soon as possible."

"Yeah, I talked to her earlier. She seemed good as far as I could tell. She said, she moved into a new apartment with enough space for her, Leo and her mom. It looks likes she is ready to move on. I think that's terrific."

"Yeah, I noticed. She is definitely more herself nowadays. Actually, there is something I should probably warn you about. I was going to look after your apartment myself. The budget is tight and you gave me your keys already. But your neighbors have never seen me before at your place and I was afraid that it might look suspicious. The last thing we needed, was to draw attention to your absence. Well anyway, Sam offered to look after it. I made him promise not to disturb anything. Traci said, that it all looked like no one had snooped, so I guess he was true to his word. I just thought, that you would want to know. I hope you are not angry with me. I am sorry, if you didn't want him there."

"Don't worry. I don't mind. It was a logical choice and you had enough to deal with. And anyway I am over Sam. You know, all this time away really helped me. I am sure he could tell me, that he loves me right now and I wouldn't care. It is so nice to be free, you know. It really sucked to be that hung up on someone."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I am glad, that you are not angry. But now get out of here and go see your friends. I am sure they have plenty to tell you. There has been a lot going on."

* * *

"Wow, look at that redhead. If the face looks as yummy as the body does, I know what I want to eat tonight."

Noelle raised his eyes from the paperwork in front of her. "Nice try Scarlatti, but that's McNally and as far as I know she isn't into girls."

Noelle was surprised by what she saw. Of course she had suspected that Andy would resurface any day now. But she had guessed it would be at least two more weeks of debriefing before she came back to Fifteen. Now she stood at the front desk and talked to Diaz who in turn looked a bit dumbfounded.

"Andy, what are you doing here? We thought you transferred temporarily to Halifax Police Service!"

"Well, my dear Chris. I might have worked somewhere else, but I am coming back to Fifteen soon! How are you? The last I heard, was that you wanted to transfer. What happened to that?"

"Really you are coming back? Great, we missed you and you know we have a lot of unfilled spots right now. Hey, did you know, that Collins had to go back to Afghanistan? It was really weird. I think he left only a few days after you. You know Frank was really secretive. I think Collins might be special forces or something. Why else would they want him back on such a short notice? Remember how he jumped into the water on his first day? That guy is not normal. What happened to your hair?"

Andy had to smile. Chris did really believe everything his colleagues told him. Sometimes she wondered how he still managed to be such a good cop. It must have been that obvious for everyone but him, that both of them were under. Their weak attempts to cover with their fellow officer were laughable. But Chris had believed everything.

"Well, it was time for a makeover and I thought I would make a good red head. But I am not so sure, I think I will go back to brown. So Chris, tell me where are the others? Is Gail back from Europe? I am really sorry, I didn't keep in touch."

"Don't worry Andy, we will catch you up soon. Gail is out with my rookie right now. She actually never went away. They reinstated her before the Ross Perry trial. Apparently it looks better for the prosecution, if she is not kicked off the job. Do you know that I am the new TO? After Sam left, they chose me. Imagine, they think LYdia can learn as much from me as you were able to learn from Swarek. Isn't that amazing? And wait until you meet Lydia. She can be really nice. She is Frank's goddaughter and she knew almost everyone at the station, before she even started, because her dad worked here too. Are you going to the Penny? I have to work, but I guess there are tons of people there for you to see."

"I don't know Chris. Today was a long day. I haven't even been to my apartment yet, and I am dead tired. Do you know where Oliver and Dov are?"

"Erm yeah, Oliver has the day off and I think Dov is with SIU giving his statement. Listen, I think it is better if you don't ask him about it. Dov's partner was dirty. Like letting-evidence-vanish and telling-the-other-side-the-names-of-the-witnesses dirty. They arrested him two days ago. Dov is still pretty much in shock."

"Ok, thanks for the heads up Chris. I will let you go back to your work. Maybe I will wait for him. It seems like he could use some company. It was really great seeing you, Chris."

* * *

Andy was amazed, even though she knew she should have expected it. But somehow it still surprised her, that so much had changed at Fifteen. She had always thought of the station as the one constant in her life. Now it seemed to be a completely different place. She wondered what Chris had meant with Sam leaving. Luke had said Sam had looked after her place. That meant that he still lived in Toronto. But why else would he leave Fifteen? She knew no one as committed to his badge as Sam. Why would he leave? It didn't make any sense. Unless...

She remembered the dark parking lot as if it had been yesterday. What if Sam really meant it and had quit his job to be with her? Suddenly she felt really, really uncomfortable. He was supposed to get over her. He had finally opened up and she had left him waiting without an apology or anything like that. She was pretty sure, that for someone like Sam that would be the ultimate sign, that they were not meant to be. She didn't want him to quit his job for her. No, that was the opposite of what she wanted. He was supposed to be angry and hurt, but he was not supposed to hope.

She didn't have to wait long, before Dov arrived. She had spend the time until his arrival filled with meaningless chatter with different officers, she had only ever met briefly. They were not interested in her personal life and were oblivious to the reason for her departure. She was fed up with the task force for the day and was glad to be distracted from it. When she saw Dov, she was shocked. She knew him as a happy go lucky boy with way too much energy. The man she saw now looked sad and angry. His energy seemed to be sucked out of him and it only took a few minutes, before she realized that his attitude had gone quite bitter.

"McNally, how nice of you to grace us with your presence."

"Hello Dov. How are you?"

"Why do you care? Is the other side not as green as you expected?"

" Hey, I came to apologize for my behavior. I am really sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you!"

"Yeah well you did hurt us. I guess, you are just on your way through town. Maybe you have some other sibling in Vancouver. You probably want to worm your way back in first, so that you can leave us again in the middle of the night?"

"Stop it! I am sorry. I had no choice in the matter. I know I should have said goodbye, but there wasn't any time. "

"Well, I get your departure. That isn't my problem. Only that you stayed away for six months and you didn't even bother with a post card. What the hell?"

"Dov! I am sorry, okay! I don't know what else to say. But you don't have all the information. Luke offered me the position and I had to decide right away."

"What the hell are you talking about? What does your sister have to do with Luke?"

"Ok, I didn't want to talk about this today again, but I guess I should tell you about my job these last six months. I am starved though, so lets get something to eat first. My treat. Are you interested?"

"Fine. But if you are giving me a bullshit excuse, I promise I will leave."

"That's okay. Thank you. Come on, let's go. I don't want to stand here in the open so long."

The whole time Andy stood there in front of the glass doors, she had been acutely aware of her surroundings. She knew that the barn was safe and Luke had promised her, that there was no immediate danger. Still, six months of constant high alert were not easy to put away.

* * *

At the diner Andy headed straight to the booth the farthest away from the entrance and choose a spot, from which she could overlook the whole place and keep her face relatively hidden. A lot of these strategies stemmed from her time with Sam. She knew, that a chance to get him to talk about the difficult stuff were slim. So she took detours. Always eager to further her training, he had been quite willing to talk to her about his time undercover and Andy had steered the conversations from there to his family. Only after she had applied this strategy several times with success did he figure out, what her real intentions had been. It had been a horrible fight. After that he kept as close to the topic as possible, whenever she brought his time with the Intelligence Squad up. And as usual it kept Andy wrapped in frustration that he was not willing to talk about anything personal.

Andy and Dov stayed on light topics until they had ordered their food. She didn't know where to begin and she wasn't entirely sure how she should broach the subject. Maybe she should give Dov some time to tell her about his troubles. Only after the uncomfortable silence was disrupted by the waitress with their drinks, did they restart their conversation.

"Well, I appreciate the food, Andy. But you promised me, that you would tell me what happened to you in the last few months. So maybe you should start talking."

"Yeah, I know Dov. I... This is just the first time I'm explaining this to someone, who didn't know at least some of what I was doing. Not even Chris knows anything yet. Earlier when we talked, he seemed completely fine with my excuse. I didn't have the heart to tell him, that all this time that people lied to his face. And I don't really know how to explain it all. But yeah, I guess it is time to be honest again... So, you remember how Luke was managing this big task force, when he came back to Fifteen? It turns out, the task force was major. The task force did not only link different divisions or Squads, but different law enforcement divisions, nationally and internationally. And back in january Luke asked me, if I wanted to be a part of it. The only problem was, Nick and I had to leave without goodbyes and any contact, because we went undercover. I will spare you all the scary details, but I will tell you, that we were working with some pretty fucked up people. Anyway, I didn't move away. I was infiltrating a biker gang and two days ago we busted not only some chapters or the Canadian branch but the whole "Hordes of Chaos", from Tijuana to Québec City. You can't imagine what kind of cruel things these people were involved in. Because they are not just trafficking guns and drugs. They have a lot more going on. Some are involved in abductions, the sex trade and some really messed up stuff... Yeah, well, anyway Nick and I were with them. And it would have been too dangerous for you and the others to hear from us. So we stayed away. I know it was shitty. But over a hundred people were involved all together. If one of them would have gotten to be harmed, only because I had to wish you Happy Birthday... It had to be this way!"

"Did you wear leather?"

"What? I tell you, that I was involved in one of the biggest busts of the decade and you ask me, what kind of pants I wore?"

"Yeah, well not exactly pants. More like mini skirts or something like that. As far as I know biker chicks always wear leather. I guess, the guys want their girls to look super hot or something. Anyway, I was trying to picture you as a biker chick. So that I can make sense out of it..."

Andy was glad when their burgers finally arrived. As much as she loved Dov, clothing questions were not something she wanted to talk about with him. "Do you have any other random questions?"

"No, not right now. I still try to picture you on a bike."

"Yeah, well, maybe I can convince Nick to take his bike to work sometime soon. Then you won't have to imagine it."

"Maybe not. I like you better alive and if Gail sees you looking all hot and cozy with Collins, I guess, you will not live to tell the tale. And Swarek would probably quarter every male and probably even Scarlatti for only looking in your direction. Actually, have you seen Sam yet?"

"Erm no, why? Where should I have seen him? Is it true, has he left Fifteen? What is that all about? Is he back undercover?"

"I meant if you saw him at headquarters'. As far as I know he is doing a detective rotation and is at College Street for his mandatory specialized trainings, though I am not completely sure. I heard Officer Martin met him last week on a crime scene. And he comes and visits from time to time. But he usually just talks to Oliver and his other buddies. I'm sorry I can't give you more information. You should talk to Traci, I think they see each other rather regularly.

"Sam as a detective? Are you sure? The guy hates paperwork, why would he want to be a paper pusher?"

"Don't ask me McNally, ask Swarek!"

"Well, whatever. Let's talk about something else..."

Andy and Dov sat in that Diner for a long time. After a couple of more random topics Dov had confided in Andy about his partner's betrayal. He had very much liked the guy. He was funny and had apparently found a way to channel Dov's energy into productiveness. In the light of his disloyalty, the sympathetic facade hurt even more. He told Andy that he had talked to Victor, but that the guy didn't say anything. He just sat there. He offered no explanations or regrets. He didn't even express his innocence. Dov sat there and offered to prove that everything was only a bad mix up, but he had only smiled a sad smile. He had screamed and thrown chairs, but Victor just sat there stoically. Andy didn't know what she woud have done, if she had found out something like that about Sam or Nick. It would have been bad. So now she sat and tried to console him. But she knew this had scarred him for life.

* * *

**AN: ** I know, that a lot of you are about to stop reading right know, because Andy seems to be in love with Nick. But this story is only at the beginning. I will not promise you that McSwarek will be the end result of the story, because that would spoil the fun. But I implore you to have faith, that Andy will end up with the best guy for her. I don't believe that just because you found your other half, you will automatically marry that person and live happily ever after. In my story the characters have to work for their happiness. I also do not like one-dimensional antagonists. My Luke is not a rapist, abuser or evil. He has just as many issues as Sam. I wrote already a detailed backstory for him and hope that in the end you will like him just as much as Traci or Dov.


	5. Chapter 5

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

_About this story:_

_This work is pure fiction. I did not do scientific research on really anything in this story. I do not want to offend anyone with this story. I was simply inspired by other works of fictions and took the facts from published authors, TV shows and the oh so unreliable internet. So please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so please point out any mistakes concerning structures, terms and laws. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible. Finally, I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I hope that my syntax and grammar are understandable in general, but I will make linguistic and cultural mistakes from time to time. I count on you to point those out. Thank you very much._

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**Though I find it kind of sad, that a writer has to defend their creative choice of where the story is going, I ask you to keep your mind open and don't stop reading this story (at least not until you got to the end of Chapter 8). I know, that a lot of you are about to stop reading right know, because Andy seems to be in love with Nick and just shot down Sam. But this story is only at the beginning. There are probably about 25 chapters left, if not more. I will not promise you that McSwarek will be the end result of the story, because that would spoil the fun. But I implore you to have faith, that Andy will end up with the best guy for her. I don't believe that just because you found your other half, you will automatically marry that person and live happily ever after. In my story the characters have to work for their happiness.**

* * *

_And a special thank you goes out to Jelly Bean Jenna for helping me bring my thoughts into understandable sentences!_

_I would like to thank linda p, lazeeme and of course the anonymous reviewers for their wonderful feedback. MamaluvsRB, our conversation really helps me to get my details right. Thank you for taking such an interest in the story:) _

_After I posted the last chapter I was not sure how the readers would react to it. With your wonderful reviews I feel a lot more confident to post this chapter now. Please keep in mind, that this story is still at the very beginning! What might sound cruel right now, will serve a purpose later. Sam and Andy both have been hurt and I am not going to blame one person for all the messed up stuff with them. Both their issues lead them where they are now._

* * *

July 17 2012

Andy saw Nick again for the first time, after she got a lift to the station with Dov. She didn't really know, how she imagined the reunion would play out, but definitely not like this. Over the last six months, Andy had not only fallen in love with Nick, but they also grew close, sharing-the-bathroom-for-their-morning-routines-cl ose. When they had talked about coming back to their former lives, they had talked about seeing the others. Their friends and loved ones. They never once talked about what their relationship after the task force would be like. Andy knew, that she would have to tone down the affections. They were not playing a couple any longer. Still what she saw was painful.

She stayed hidden in the shadows of the parking lot. She knew, this was not a moment, when she should intrude. But knowing that itself was already painful. She would like to hate Gail, because she stole his heart first. But she was not able to. Gail was a friend. Not an enemy. Even though Andy felt like everyone who might hurt Nick, should be considered an enemy these days...

From this distance she was not able to see their faces very well, but she was able to tell a lot by his body language. All these months of undercover made her fluent in all things Nick. And right now his body language was screaming at her, how anxious he was. His casual attitude was an act. Andy could see it and she was sure Gail knew as well, how nervous he really was.

But Andy knew Gail well enough to know, that she had her walls up again. It didn't matter that she decided to leave first, Nick was the one who really did leave. She would not forgive him like this. He would have to fight, make some kind of big gesture and only after all that he would be allowed to prove over a long time, that he was not going to leave her ever again. He was in for a lot of torture. A hurt Gail could be very cruel. And for that Andy would really like to hate Gail. No one was supposed to hurt Nick. He was her knight in shining armor. He was supposed to be admired and worshipped, not tormented and bullied.

She could only make out few of the words, that carried across the parking lot towards her. But she had guessed correctly: Gail was not about to take Nick back. She considered waiting for their conversation to end and then go and console him. But her own heart was bleeding. She hadn't expected to feel that much heartbreak over seeing them together. She had been so sure, she would be strong enough to see them like this. But now, she felt like she was back in the Black Penny and Sam was moving on with Becca.

She hated to feel so weak. She wanted to be in control for once. For once she wanted to be the one breaking the hearts, not the one with the broken heart. She had tried to force herself into the fantasy of conventional life with Luke. They had gone through all the motions. Moving into their house, getting engaged. He was the one, who should have given her the stability she craved. She had chosen him, because he had wanted the same things in life. It turned out, their relationship had flaws, they didn't know how to fix. It didn't matter that their ideas were similar. They hadn't been able to communicate about what they really wanted from the other person. The resulting infidelity had been the nail in the coffin.

And then when Andy had finally gotten together with Sam, he was the complete opposite of Luke. Talking hadn't help her with Luke, so she had gone for the silent type. He was explosive, energetic when he wanted something. She had thought, this energy would fuel the progression of their relationship. When she had started their undercover romance, she had been high on adrenaline. Their whole love story was a row of extreme moments. It was laughable, that Sam had wanted them to be normal. She wasn't sure, Sam could ever settle down. She couldn't imagine him to be the reliable type, he said he wanted to be. He needed the thrill. It had taken Andy a while to come to terms with it. But while she was undercover she realized, that their lifestyles were not compatible. She wished nothing more than a stable environment and he had to have some new stimuli all the time.

And now there was Nick. He was the perfect mixture. Her age, similar views on almost everything from taste to philosophical questions, a background she could relate to and last but not least, unbelievably hot. Andy was pretty sure, if they both had been available from the beginning, she would have called dibs. Now it was too late.

Andy turned away from Fifteen and her partner. Their reunion would have to wait. He had to process, what had happened with Gail. If he wanted to talk, he would come by. He knew, she would listen to him. And as much as she would like to be with her partner again, she had to nurse her broken heart a little.

She turned and made her way home. Since their arrest, she hadn't really had anything to wear. The first night, she had walked around headquarters barefoot with her miniskirt and Luke's sweatshirt. Once upon a time, she had loved that sweatshirt. His name on her chest made her feel like she had a part of him close. Now, she felt stupid wearing it. That part of her life was long over and the familiarity was an uncomfortable reminder of their past. There had been times during these last long months, when Andy had questioned her skills. She had wondered, if Luke had given her the job against his better judgement. And running around headquarters with his shirt on, was not helping.

Coming in the next day in sweats and a white t-shirt, wasn't much better. But at least Luke had thought to get her something to change into. He was really a superb detective. His task force was planned impeccably. He had thought of every eventuality and she was sure he would present their case in court perfectly. But that was also what he looked like today. Now that the covert interactions were done, the detectives were back in their regular suits. She felt inadequate. Of course they could only do their jobs now, because she had done hers correctly. But she still felt uncomfortable. At least Traci had given Andy her a change of clothes from her car along with her keys. But she wanted to wear her own clothes. She wanted to be herself again. She had worn a costume long enough.

The walk home was uneventful. Andy was pretty sure, she was safe, but in the last few weeks she had become paranoid. On her way home she ducked twice into stores and browsed the aisles for a good twenty minutes, before she purchased some tea and hair dye. After she left the Chinese place down the street twelve minutes later through the back door, she finally felt safe. The whole time during her walk, she thought that it was weird, that there were leaves on the trees. The last time she had walked this way, there had been no leaves. Her head knew that it was summer, but it still felt unnatural.

She wondered, what her home would feel like. It had been so long, since she had been there. As she climbed up the stairs she tried to remind herself, that this was her normal home. That the home she left behind two days ago, had been only a temporary location. But she was not the same person she had been, when she had locked these doors the last time. Would the apartment, that had been so much like the old her, be the apartment the new her would feel comfortable in?

Once she had switched on the lights, she was surprised. She knew Sam and Traci had checked up on the place, but she had expected white sheets over her furniture. Instead she found a completely dusted and cleaned apartment. It didn't even smell stale but rather smelt fresh, as if someone had aired it out. On her kitchen table sat a beautiful, enormous bunch of flowers. She could kiss Traci. She had left her best friend without even so much as a goodbye and not only did she forgive her immediately, she even went and got her place ready for her. Andy turned on the water and plugged in the kettle. While the water was boiling, she got her food out of its bag. By now it was almost cold, but she was hungry again. She had finished half of the carton before she felt sated. She enjoyed the taste of well prepared food. While undercover Andy and Nick had to survive on their salaries as a truck driver and a clerk. They had never starved, but they didn't have much room for extravagances. Nick was supposed to invest every cent he earned into his bike or the club. Now she could at least use all the money she earned. She promised herself, she would take Traci on a girl's weekend. The girl had earned herself a treat. With the availability bonus and the reduced living expenses Andy had saved quite a bit of money and using it for a shopping and spa day, sounded about right.

She closed the lid on the box and opened her fridge. What she saw surprised her. Inside the pristine fridge sat all the basic food. She had everything from cheese singles and bread to a carton of long-life milk. But right in the middle of the shelf sat a plastic container. The Post-It on top of it was labeled in neat capital letters, it marked the present day and the name of a meal. Andy was touched. She imagined, Mrs. Nash must have prepared something for her.

* * *

Sam had hurried over to Fifteen as soon as he could get away. Callaghan had been reluctant to tell him where Andy was. It almost seemed like he wanted them apart for even longer. So Sam had cut the call short. And had called Traci instead. She had been more helpful. She had warned him though, that Andy had a rough couple of days and that he should take it easy. Then she had finally told him, that Andy was released from protective custody today. Sam had promised Traci not to overwhelm her. Though at that moment he wasn't sure he could keep his promise. Today was the day he had waited for. For six long months. He needed to tell her everything now. Today. Tomorrow would be too late. So he had called the florist and warned them, that today was the day for the special bouquet they had talked about. He had driven by the flower shop on his way over and almost sprinted out of the car.

All the way into the station he had watched out for her. But she was nowhere to be seen. Once inside he had checked everywhere imaginable. He even went into the supply closets and the women's locker room. He was mortally afraid he could have missed her somewhere. But he had found no trace of her. When he had found Peck in booking and asked her, if she had seen McNally, she looked dumbfounded and told him, he should go and buy himself a plane ticket. It seemed like she had no idea, that the task force was over. Where was Andy? He had considered Gail his best shot on his quest to find her. As far as he knew Nash and Epstein were tied up with the investigations at headquarters'. So that left only Diaz. The very same Diaz, he had seen leave for his break, when he came in. But if Peck didn't know anything, what would the chances be, that Diaz knew? He sighed as he left the Black Penny. Maybe it would be his best shot after all to go and wait at her place.

Sam was glad, that he had decided to cook something easy today. Half an hour after he had arrived home, he was freshly showered and the meal was ready to go. For once he had packed a double portion. If things went as well as he hoped, he would be joining Andy tonight.

He didn't feel as giddy as he had, when Mallory Farmer had taken him into the janitors closet in seventh grade. He had been about to ring the bell, when he saw all her windows dark and empty. So he took out his keys and let himself in. Once on the third floor, he knocked on her door. He knew, that the days following the take down could be exhausting. Maybe she had already turned in. He knocked again. When no one answered after his third knock, he took out his keys and let himself in. The apartment looked exactly as he had left it the previous evening. There were no keys in the small bowl next to the door. The pillows looked like they were still in precisely the same spot. He knew, that she hadn't been home yet. So he went about his usual task. He stored the food in the fridge and exchanged the flowers. He had taken a lot of care to assembly exactly this bunch of flowers. But with the several transports and his erratic driving today, they had already suffered. It was exactly what he needed, to give Andy damaged flowers to welcome her back. He scrutinized them carefully. They looked a bit disheveled. But nothing too bad. Now it was too late anyway and with all the money he had spent on flowers for the last six months, he wasn't sure he could afford another bouquet of this size. They would have to do.

He looked around, the place looked clean so far. He had done all the general cleaning two days ago. There was no garbage to take out. And even if he hadn't changed the sheets on her bed two days ago, he wouldn't have dared to be found there now.

He wanted to show Andy that he was reliable not a creep.

He sighed. He would have to wait for her. But was it presumptuous to wait at her home for her? He remembered how he had felt, the last time he came home from Undercover. Her home was supposed to be the place, where she had the ultimate power. She was the one to decide who to invite in. He knew just then, that he should not take away that decision from her, especially not tonight. Sam sighed and got up and closed the windows. He would leave for now. And then, once he saw her enter her building, he would ring her bell.

At 1.30 a.m. Sam woke up with an aching neck and once he heard the noises of the street, he realized he had fallen asleep in his truck. He looked up at the building he was observing, but could only see dark windows. He imagined how Andy was lying awake inside. He was pretty sure, she wouldn't be able to sleep there. He had been undercover enough times, to know the major issues of the return. He guessed, that she would wake up the next morning and be completely disoriented. He knew, he should drive home and go to sleep in his own bed. He was not going to talk to her tonight. It would benefit him more, if he met her tomorrow and was on top of his game. Looking like a zombie, with a grumpy attitude were not the way to win over women. But for a moment he just sat there. Here out in the street, he was close to her. At home, in his own place, he would know that she was exactly 4.25km away. A tenth of the marathon distance. Too far for her to drop by his place without a reason. It was also too far to just run into one another in the supermarket. He had thought of all these possibilities in the last months. He started his car. Today was a disaster. Nothing worked according to his carefully laid out plan. He knew, why he didn't like plans. Every time he tried to think ahead, everything went completely wrong.

* * *

It was not until the next day during his lunch break, that he finally saw her in the cafeteria. He didn't know, what he expected. Maybe he expected her to be different, maybe he expected her to be the same. From where he sat, he could not say, if she had changed. She wore the same clothes and her movements were the same. Her hair was still brown and just as glossy as it used to be. Maybe it looked a little bit on the darker side, but that might be the light. He thought, he saw her checking her surroundings every other minute. But once again maybe he was just projecting his memories onto her.

Now, that he had seen her, he didn't know how to act. If he went up to her, he would risk causing a scene at both their workplace. Not a good idea. But the last time he asked her to meet somewhere else to talk, it didn't work out so well. Finally he made up his mind and stood up. Slowly he walked up to her. He made sure to be in her field of vision. This was not supposed to be an ambush. If she really wanted to run, he would give her the option.

Once in front of her, he remembered his plan. Start simple. Get her engaged in a conversation. It doesn't matter if it was small talk. She would give him the clues, as to whether he could tackle the heavier topics then.

He clears his throat and says "Hello Andy!"

Andy had seen him approach. She knew she would have to talk to him sooner or later. She had only hoped, for it to be later rather than sooner. But he deserved that she talked to him. "Hey Sam! How are you?"

The question is loaded.

I am miserable, because the woman I love was gone for six months and I just saw her today.

I am great, everything is peachy. I don't even miss you anymore.

You left after I put myself out there. I wish I could hate you right now.

Very different ways to play this out ran through his head. His pride wanted desperately to keep some of his dignity. But his heart wanted to put it all out there. He settled on the middle ground. "Well I am a bit tired, but otherwise I am healthy. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you. No injuries. I am a bit tired too. It is so weird to sleep in my own bed now. I woke up this morning and was completely disorientated. Even after I opened my eyes, it took me a quite while to figure out where my nightstand was."

"Yeah, I remember that. It will probably come back to you in a couple of days. The sooner you get back into your routine, the sooner you will return to your normal life. How was the task force?"

"Great. Exciting. Dangerous. Exhausting. I don't know. Right now, I am just glad that we got out alive."

"I can relate. Sorry, that was a stupid question. I should know better than to ask something like that. I am glad though, that you came back."

"Listen, Andy, I was..."

"Sam, I wanted..."

Sam and Andy started to speak at the same time, but once they heard the other talk, they stopped for the other to continue. Finally, Andy gave in.

"I just wanted to thank you and Traci, that you took such good care of my place. Thank you."

Sam was a bit surprised, that she hadn't commented on anything else, but he would sure as hell not point out every little detail. If she was omitting the flowers or the food, there had to be a reason. He would have to find out later, what it was.

"You are welcome. I told you, I would clean for you, remember... Erm... Andy, how long does your lunch break last? Because I would like to go somewhere a bit more quiet and talk a bit more... What do you think?"

"My lunch is flexible. I am on paid availability for the whole month. As long as I get all my work done, I can use my hours flexibly. Right now, I just have to look over my statement for the prosecutor, so no one has to wait up for me. What about you? Where do you want to go?"

Andy hated what she saw in his face. She had agreed to talk to him in private, because she didn't want to break his heart where all of TPS headquarter could see it. It would be hard enough on him as it was. But he had obviously completely misunderstood her intentions. Why did their timing have to suck this much?

* * *

Andy stepped out onto the roof, and was welcomed by a cool breeze. "Oh wow, I never imagined there was actually a quiet place somewhere in this damned headquarters. How did you find this place?"

"I worked some time as liaison detective with Forensic Identification. They are up here on the top floor. When I couldn't stand the stench of the labs anymore, I would come here to breath. They leave the doors unlocked for security reasons. We are not completely alone though. See there, there are camera's installed."

They were quiet for a while and listened to the sound of the street below them. Finally, Sam cleared his throat.

"Andy, I think we should talk."

"I know. We do need to talk. But I think, we want to talk about different things. I came here to talk to you about our past. I think, we both need closure. Neither of us can move on, until we have resolved some issues."

"Please Andy. I know, I hurt you badly. But I can't move on. In fact I don't want to move on. I want to be with you. I was stupid and hurt you, and I made a mistake. But I will prove to you, that you can trust me."

"No, that's not what I was talking about..."

"I promise you, I will never let you go, ever again. I know, I promised that before, but I mean it this time. I will fight for you. I will fight myself to get you back. Please, I will be the man you want and deserve."

"Stop. Do you hear yourself talking, Sam? That right there is the reason, we can never work. We are too different. You promise me here, to change the very essence of who you are. You want to be a completely different person for me. Tell me, do you think you can be happy, if you can't even be yourself around me? No Sam, it won't work."

"All I know is that I can only be happy with you. It doesn't matter who I am, as long as I am with you. I know, that you don't trust me anymore Andy. So, let's work on being friends first. Ok? We were great friends."

"Yeah, friends... What a brilliant idea. May I quote you? 'We were never friends.' Let's imagine we tried being friends for a moment. Friends talk about problems. They talk about their love lives. Are you really willing to listen to me, when I talk about the great guy I met? What would you do, if I wanted ask someone out on a date? Would you really encourage me to do it? Or would you try to beat him to a pulp like Luke at Retraining?"

"Well, if that was the price, I would do it. Hence, I would probably paint your nails and drive you to the restaurant, if that meant I could earn your trust back. Please Andy let's start with being friends and we can go from there."

"No! I can't do that. You said it yourself, for you, friendship would only be a transition phase. You are certain, that we will be more one day. You would only fool yourself into believing it was friendship. I spent the last seven months getting over you. I wish you had done the same. Because we are over. This is not a reconciliation talk. This is our final goodbye. I can't get back together with you!"

Andy turned and walked back into the building. She knew, that she had just broken his heart. But that was necessary. Maybe she hadn't had the chance to talk about their issues. That would have to wait for later though. Sam needed to understand first, that she was no longer available for him. It didn't matter, that she was in love with Nick. Sam and her were not going to be together again. He needed to see that. He couldn't just act like he was the only one deciding, what was best for them. She had made a decision and he had to accept it.


	6. Chapter 6

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

___Please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so please point out any mistakes concerning structures, terms and laws. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible. Finally, I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I hope that my syntax and grammar are understandable in general, but I will make linguistic and cultural mistakes from time to time. I count on you to point those out. Thank you very much._

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**Author's Note:**

**Confronted by an absolutely infuriating review, it is sometimes helpful for the victim to do a little personal research on the critic. Is there any truth to the rumor that he had no formal education beyond the age of 11? Jean Kerr**

For the last chapter got a lot of different feedback from you guys that I would like to address. This AN is probably the longest I will ever write. But please bear with me!

1. A quick info for those, who are a bit confused right now. Becca is the colleague with whom Sam and Oliver played pool in the season finale. Of course we learned that she was actually interested in Oliver, but Andy never knew that.

2. Andy and Nick are only friends. They played a couple while they were undercover. Andy fell for Nick during that time, maybe she even started to fall him before they left 15. To pose convincingly as a couple, they shared a bed and displayed affection when they were with their marks.  
Since they were busted Andy has not seen Nick. They were kept apart for the interviews and Andy left headquarters before she could talk to him again. She sees him from a distance when she joins Dov on his way back from the diner. She does not go to say "Hello" to Nick, because he is arguing with Gail.  
Now that they are back in their real lives Nick wants to continue his relationship with Gail. Though they never broke up officially, they broke up de facto when Nick left.

3. I know, that a lot of people are dreading the possibility of Nick and Andy or Luke and Andy. (For those of you, who can't stand the suspense, I updated a summary of my story to the keyword-dictionary.) And I can understand, that you are quite annoyed with Andy and some of you are very anxious for Andy and Sam to get back together. But I believe that to be unrealistic at this point. There will be a lot of writer's freedom later on in the story, but for now, I try to make it look real. Ask yourselves, would you get back together with your ex-boyfriend, if he had acted like Sam? I know, I personally would not. Maybe I am too much of a Gail, but my ex would have to proof himself worthy first. And, six months is a lot longer than sixty days. So maybe there was some truth in Andy's break-up-book, too.

I find it kind of sad, that a writer has to defend their creative choice of where the story is going. Still I am asking you to keep your mind open and don't stop reading this story (at least not until you got to the end of Chapter 8). I know that a lot of you are about to stop reading right know, because Andy seems to be in love with Nick and just shot down Sam. But this story is only at the beginning. There are probably about 25 chapters left, if not more. I will not promise you that McSwarek will be the end result of the story, because that would kill the whole suspense. But I implore you to have faith that Andy will end up with the best guy for her and that Sam will be happy too. I don't believe that just because you found your other half, you will automatically marry that person and live happily ever after. In my story the characters have to work for their happiness.

4. Who would like to name Sam's truck? I will choose from all of your suggestions...

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******As usual, t****he work Jelly Bean Jenna put into this chapter is **very much appreciated:) So, thank you! Even though you have a lot of things going on, you do a great job!

******Thank you Lady Gemini-J for mentioning me in your last chapter.  
**

**I also would like to thank Rookieblue20, april420 and linda p for their replies and hope everyone else understood the story so far.  
**

**Thank you, MamaLuvsRB and all of you anonymous reviewers for having faith in me and the story.  
**

**I would have liked to respond to the Guest-reviews I got, after I posted the last chapter. Thank you all for reviewing! It doesn't matter if it was positive or if you were venting. I like to hear your thoughts. I got the feeling, that most of you are upset with Andy and I will keep that in mind for the future chapters. But I need to built up for what I've got in mind for them.  
**

**Careena, I am sorry you want to stop reading, because I think you would have liked the story in the end. Unfortunately I can only reassure you or answer to your concerns, if you sign in or leave me a way to reply to you.  
**

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The following weeks were hard for Sam. He had promised Andy, that he would fight. He knew that she had only tried to test him. He was sure that Andy only wanted to see, if he would bolt again, when things got difficult. Sam knew, that she would give in once she realized she could trust him. He knew it and it was all he had to cling to for hope.

As long as Andy had been at headquarters' Sam had waited each morning until Andy arrived. In the beginning he had simply waited in the lobby for her to arrive. He even bought her flowers everyday, a flower from the last bouquet. And everyday he told her the meaning of the flower and what it meant for him. Everyday he would ask her what he could do for her.

And everyday Andy would take the flower and put it in the nearest trash bin. Everyday her answer to his question was the same. He could leave her alone and start living his own life. No, she was not playing hard to get. She was not doing this to torture him. She only wanted to move on with her life.

Everyday Sam felt like someone had stabbed him. Everyday he felt like the knife twisted in his heart. But he knew he would come back and get stabbed again. He would go back and be tortured for as long as it would take. He was sure that he would get what he wanted. He just had to be persistent enough. And he knew that they would be amazing once they got back together.

After a while he noticed that Andy started to sneak into the building. The first day he had almost missed her behind a huge group of colleagues. It wasn't until she was at the elevator that he finally saw her. In the following days Sam had shifted his place of ambush from the main lobby to the corridor in front of the task force offices. He knew that she would have to go there at least.

Only after several warnings because he was late for his own shift and a serious talk with his Sergeant did he stop. He knew, that both he and Andy could not afford any more reprimands for their personal lives, especially if they were linked with one another. While he would not care, if his career ended before it had even started, he wanted Andy to have options. Blocking her career because he had been stupid was a no-go.

After that, he came by her place every day. Everyday he would ring the bell and everyday she would ignore him. Everyday he would wait for someone else to leave the building and then go up to her apartment door. Instead of giving her the flower personally he would leave it on the doorstep. Everyday he would leave a Post It on her door. The messages would vary everyday, but everyday he would tell her through the door, that he loved her. And everyday he would leave without any indication that she had heard his professions.

It was hard on him. More than once Sam had thought of giving in. He had lain away for nights and considered if maybe he should really stop. But he could not bring himself to give up. Too much was at risk. He had given up once already. It had been a long time ago but it still haunted him. He could not make the same mistake again. There were only so many soul mates out there. So he pushed through the pain. He knew, he would take all the pain Andy dished out, because a future with her would make up for everything else. As long as he believed in that he was sure he would be fine.

* * *

Andy on the other had wished nothing more than for Sam to stop. Once upon a time, someone else she had seen herself married to, had tried to make up with flowers. Ever since then Andy hated flowers. Maybe she would one day be able to stand flowers. Not 'Sorry'-flowers, but maybe 'Happy Birthday'-flowers. Traci's 'Welcome Back'-flowers had been the first step into that direction. She had thought that Sam knew her well. He of all people should have known that she couldn't stand flowers anymore. But with every flower he brought her he just proved once more that they were not made for each other.

She knew that had she been a regular female citizen she would have advised the girl to get a restraining order against her stalker ex-boyfriend. For now she didn't want to take those extreme measures. Even though Traci had insinuated as much, Andy was not out to hurt or torture him. She wanted him to move on and be happy. She felt genuinely sorry for him. Had she still had any feelings left for him, she would have given in eventually. He was making a lot of effort apart from the flowers.

But for now she was more concerned with her own object of affections. The first week at headquarters' she and Nick had been kept apart. It had taken them both a while to finish their debriefings and SIU investigations.

After the first week she had been sent to work with some of the BEU and Intelligence Squad to check different interrupted conversations. She had gone through hours of wire tap recordings while Nick had driven to Windsor and had helped the Border Patrol there. He had even flown down to Washington for a day to give his statement for the FBI and the other agencies involved.

She missed him horribly and it didn't help that the police shrink pressed the topic of their relationship at every appointment. It was infuriating. Andy didn't want nothing more than to forget about their kisses and caresses and Dr. Mansfield reminded her again and again. She didn't want to dwell on unavailable guys. She wanted to move forward with her life. She wanted a fresh start. How could the good doctor not see that?

While she was still a bit uncertain how being back at Fifteen and normal assignments would be, she did look forward to it. After her first visit it had taken her two more days before she met with the other rookies and her friends in the Black Penny. She had talked to most of them already and was not too keen on repeating the same story again and again. Andy knew that a lot of details had to be kept confidential. Still it sucked that she couldn't tell them the truth. She saw Gail fixed to her with a speculating gaze every so often. The blonde officer had been her friend long before Andy developed any feelings for Nick and she had been through enough in the last year. But sometimes Andy couldn't help and then contemplated where her loyalties really lay.

She was glad that Nick was not drinking with them that evening. As far as she understood, Gail had told Nick that they were over. They had their 'one break up' already and if he had no problem in leaving her again for the job there were obviously more issues that kept them apart. Andy didn't believe a word. Gail was hurt and had her walls up again. But everyone could see through her façade. She did want Nick back. When Andy had stupidly tried to defend Nick and pointed out, that he had thought all the time she was traveling, Gail failed to answer with her usual snarky comments.

* * *

Andy had taken two weeks vacation after they had wrapped up with her statements and personal insight. After she had spend the first few days with her parents and friends, she had soon found that she needed a change of scenery. Her mind had not yet arrived home from the task force and she had too much to think about and to deal with. Six months of disturbing impressions were not easy to process. So Andy drove to the airport and booked a flight to Jamaica.

She had checked into a small, cozy hotel that bore a local colonial style and spent her days relaxing on the beach. Whenever she got bored, she read a few pages of the bestseller she had picked up at the airport or she explored the island. She had come to the Caribbean with the hopes of either finding a universal solutions to her problems or that the problems would magically disappear. Unfortunately neither had happened. Maybe she had relied too much on the distance or time apart, because she had woken up night after night with vivid pictures of Nick still fresh in her mind. She could already imagine, what Dr. Mansfield would have to say to that. But it didn't matter how much she tried to banish him from her every thought. He would make his appearance as soon as she closed her eyes.

Andy had entertained the possibility of engaging in a summer fling. She had even hooked up with a guy at a local bar. But that had been more to scratch an itch than to force her emotions into another direction. After that rather unsatisfying disaster she had kept her interest in the male species restricted to the fish while she snorkeled.

* * *

In the end, the vacation and sun did help her somewhat. While it did not help her with her love life it brought her some of the desperately needed distance from the events of the last months. With the bright sun shining on her body it was more difficult to think about dark and dirty warehouses and the horrible deeds done there.

Now back in Toronto, she was almost as anxious as on her first day of work. She knew that she and Nick would have to ride with a supervising officer for the first few shifts. Best would then have them evaluated before he paired them together again. He was definitely doing things differently from the way Boyko had handled things. But Andy didn't mind. She knew, that it would be too tempting to fall back into their criminal routines, if they were paired together right away. But she hoped that she could ride with Collins again in the near future. After all they were partners and trusted each other completely.

From Traci she had heard that Sam was also to return to Fifteen once he finished his detective rotation with CID. Frank had tried his best, to keep Jerry's spot open. He knew, that Traci or Sam would never work well with anyone in that spot. So he had juggled tasks around for the time being and made Sam promise not to apply anywhere else. He knew that he would be one fine detective once he finished his training.

He had been forced to hire one new detective though. And Andy had heard quite different opinions of Detective Scarlatti. While Chris seemed to like her a lot, Dov seemed to be totally annoyed by her. Gail suspected Scarlatti was constantly hitting on her, because that was what lesbians always did according to Gail. And Traci only said that she was a good coworker. Andy had never met anyone Dov seriously disliked. He might have pretended to dislike Gail or Luke after their breakup, but deep down he still respected them. With the new detective Dov seemed to foster some serious ill feelings. She wondered, if those feelings had been brought up by the recent betrayal of his partner or what might have caused them otherwise.

* * *

In the weeks following Andy's return she spent a lot of time with Luke. She did know that this was because he wanted to make sure that she was really okay. She did like it though. As long as she didn't think about his betrayal and their breakup, Andy could almost say that she missed him. It had been over a year and a half ago that he had hurt her so badly. She knew that she had hurt him in turn, when he had figured out she had been seeing Sam the way he did. After all this time Andy didn't care much about their past love life anymore. Luke had turned out to be a good friend. She had discussed things with him that she had not even told Traci yet.

Maybe it was his gut feeling that made him the brilliant detective, maybe he had gotten some insight from Jimmy, but it hadn't taken him long to see behind her façade. He had asked her point blank, what she wanted to do about her feelings towards Nick. It was then that she broke down completely. She had been brave for so long and held her feelings in for so long that the whole damn wall broke once someone took a stone out of it. Andy knew that could have been awkward as hell.

Talking to an ex-fiancé about feelings for someone else was in general not a good idea. Luke had been very understanding and supportive though. And he had not judged her. He had been listening and talked about different scenarios with her. He did what her best friend should have done.

Especially because she couldn't bring herself to tell Traci about her messed up love life. Traci had been suspiciously pro-Sam ever since Andy came back. There were very few people Andy had told about her vacation and ever since the daily bouquets at the front desk showed up in Ocho Rios, she couldn't help but feel betrayed by her. Her best friend was supposed to look out for her. And with Traci she sometimes wondered if she was now best friends with Sam instead.

After Sam had returned to Fifteen, his wooing had become more sophisticated. She would still get a flower and a Post It everyday. But now they would be at her locker door. Other than that he had changed his tactics to a more subtle way.

One day when she was about to grab her lunch from the fridge, she saw a small container of her favorite dessert next to it. She had almost squealed as she saw that a familiar sticky note made her the owner. She loved Sam's crème brûlée. But after she had seen how much preparation it took, she had only ever asked him to prepare it for very special occasions. Now it sat there on the shelf tempting her.

But Sam's efforts were not just flowers and food. Andy had been amazed, that she had gotten her favorite squad car five days in a row until she realized who had meddled there. And the surprise could not have been bigger when Oliver hadn't even suggested that she should do his paperwork, but had sat down and started to type his own notes. When she would come back to the barn to find her shoes dry and polished after she had been on foot patrol in the rain the previous day, it was difficult not to submit to Sam.

She had told him that they were over, that she wanted to move on. He set himself up for even more heartbreak, if he would not stop soon. And she knew she would only use him as a placeholder, if she caved. She would not suddenly love him again, only because she gave him a second chance. But apparently he didn't care, how much heartbreak he would suffer. And Andy was almost tempted to give in. It would probably to stop Gail's scrutinizing glances, but she knew the price for that was too high.

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September 13, 2012

For an outsider it might not look like it, but Sam possessed a lot of patience. As a undercover you could only succeed, if you let people come to you. But wooing Andy was worse than getting a mobster to trust you. Sam had been back at Fifteen Division for a month and Andy was still as stubborn as ever. He knew that Andy was only been so cruel towards him, because she wanted to know if he ran this time. He had been prepared for that. After all he had spend six months planning different strategies to get her to forgive him. He knew that he would have to work hard for her forgiveness and he knew that it would take some time. But he never imagined that he would have to work for so long. It had been almost two months since the takedown and still she refused to even start small. He wasn't a quitter but maybe Andy was telling the truth. Maybe her feelings had disappeared. He was at his wit's end.

Every time, Andy had gone to the Black Penny, Sam had gone as well. Every time he sat at the bar and every time he would keep a seat next to him open. Most of the patrons thought it was in honor of Jerry. But Sam didn't keep the glass of tequila for Jerry, he waited for Andy to finally join him for a drink.

"You know, Marine Sagan asked me today, if I was ok with her asking you out."

Sam was surprised that Andy had joined him at the bar. He was even more surprised, that she spoke to him. Usually Andy would chose a spot on the other side of the bar to order her drinks.

"Why would she do that?"

"I don't know, Sam. Probably because you are hot."

There it was. She was tipsy. He hadn't monitored her alcohol intake, but he imagined, it couldn't have been more than three pints over the whole evening. Her speech was still crystal clear and her movements were not impaired. But for her to start on a topic like that, she must feel the effects of the alcohol.

"No, I meant, why did she ask you?"

"She believes it is good manners to ask the ex for her blessing."

"And what did you say to her?"

"I told her that you and I have been over for a long time. I told her she should go for it because I am over you."

"You want me to date other women?"

"Yeah. Then I won't feel so guilty anymore."

"Why would you feel guilty, Andy? You are not able to trust me yet because of something I did. That is not your fault. It was my mistake. I am the one, who should feel sorry."

"Sam, stop it. We will never be together again. Please just stop. Please, Sam. If you would finally stop your stupid wooing we could finally start to figure out how to be friends."

"Why can't we be friends now?"

"Because if we started being friends right now, you would only see it as a temporary step until we become more again. I told you that already."

"And that is a bad thing?"

"Yes, that is a very bad thing. You need to get over me first, alright? Did you know, that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else?"

"So let me get this straight. You want me to hook up with the new rookie so that you and me can be friends some day in the future? Isn't that a bit cruel?"

"Yes. Thanks for understanding... Erm, I don't know... Will you do it?"

"No."

"Why not? Come on, Sam. I thought you understood."

"Yeah, I do understand what you are saying. But even if I was willing to move on, I would not get together with someone half my age. For god's sake, she could be my daughter!"

"That's ok. I will look out for someone closer to your age then."

"Andy, stop it. Let me choose my own speed. I promise you, if I am ever ready to do what you want me to do here, I will find someone on my own."

"Yeah, but I can't choose for you then."

"You lost me. Why do you have to choose? I thought this was about getting over you?"

"I need to give her my approval. That's what friends do."

"But you just said, we can't be friends until I have moved on."

"I know, I just... I... I don't want her to be better than me. Okay?"

Sam's mouth still hung open, when Andy arrived with her pitcher at the rookie's table. At first he had thought he had just heard wrong, but then his brain had switched into overdrive. If Andy really meant, what she had just told Sam, there was still a chance for them. He needed to figure out, how to be her friend without alarming her.

* * *

At the same time at their table Nick put an arm around Andy. He pulled her closer and finally leaned down to whisper in her ear "Hey partner, I saw you talking to Sam. Are you ok?".

Andy looked up at him and smiled as she answered. "Hey back at you. Don't worry about me. I think I even got somewhere with him tonight. Maybe he will finally understand it sometime soon."

"Hmm. If you say so. You know, you just have to say the word and I'm gonna talk to him. He has to stop harassing you like that. I can see how down it makes you feel!"

Andy closed her eyes, took a deep breath and leaned back into his arm. Nick had no idea that her demoralized state was not because Sam was wearing her down. She was only so despondent because it was impossible to get over some one as perfect as Nick Collins. When she opened her eyes she was met with a seething Gail. Andy jumped away from Nick as she saw the look in her eyes.

"Why Andy. Don't stop on my account snuggling with my boyfriend. I guess you two just can't keep your hands off each other after all this time..."

"Gail, I will gladly be your boyfriend again. You just have to let me. Say the word and I am yours! But you are not going to forbid Andy to talk to me. I was only being supportive for heaven's sake."

"Sure you were supportive. Probably like your dick was supporting her all these times you felt lonely undercover."

Andy could not stand to see Nick like that. "Crass doesn't look good on you. So drop it... Gail, please... You know us. Nothing happened between us. You are my friend, I wouldn't do that to you. Yes we played a couple. But we were only affectionate in public. We never slept with each other!"

"Yeah, just like you would never cheat on Luke? But making out in bed with Swarek doesn't count, I guess. Yeah, I know about that. And don't get me even started on how you treat ex-boyfriends. It didn't even take you a month after you broke off your engagement with Callaghan before you jumped into bed with Swarek. You know, how he found out about you two? He asked Jerry in front of everyone at parade. Or maybe I should tell you a thing or two about Swarek. I was there, when he waited for you. I saw him. Still the guy waits six months for you and all you can do is humiliate him further. You know, I trust your morals as far as I can throw them." Gail knew she was unnecessarily cruel to Andy. But she was hurt and lashing out was her way of dealing with it.

"Gail, a word please." Nick gestured with his head towards the door.

She smiled saccharine sweet at him as she slipped of her stool. "Oh, did I offend your little girlfriend? I am sorry for you that she doesn't have more of a backbone."

* * *

The silence at the table that followed Gail's little rant was deafening. Chris had retreated into his corner as far as he could and held his glass to his lips as if he was going to chuck it down if someone dared to notice him.

Traci on the other hand raised her eyebrows almost to her hairline and finally broke the silence.

"Well, I guess we would make an interesting TV-show with all the drama we have here."

It was fortunate, that they had already had some beers and were all to happy to have some senseless fun. So Andy steered the conversation quickly to other topics.

"Yeah, thanks. I have no interest in being spat on in front of a camera. But you my dear detective, you would make a great heroine!"

Andy smiled at her. Traci had succeeded in lightening the atmosphere.

"What abut you, Chris? You wanna be a heartthrob for all those teen fans?"

"No thanks Andy. I am fine with how things are. I don't like all this publicity. You know it is really hard getting any work done when people recognize you all the time from the posters."

"Oh, we almost forgot about that, Mr. Fifteen. Don't worry. You are probably too nice anyway. Those girls needs someone with a dark, mysterious secret. You've got anything like this?"

"Apart from being too selfish to move back to Timmins?"

"Chris, that is not a secret and it is completely understandable! You made the right choice. Image how much more opportunities Christian will have here in the city."

After a few more minutes of mindless babble, a freshly showered Dov arrived finally.

"Hey guys. You can't image, what I just saw. Collins and Gail are outside. One moment they are hurling insults at each other, the next moment they are making out like the world is coming to an end. And then they start with the screaming again. Can someone tell me what is going on?"

Andy was glad, that Dov made finally an effort to go out again. In the weeks following the investigation, he had retreated into his shell.

"Oh hey Dov. Yeah, we know about that. You know, the usual craziness that is Gail. Great, that you made it. Why are you so late?"

"Ungh, I am pretty sure you know why. Scarlatti of course. Apparently collaring a wanted criminal means nowadays that you have to do not only your own paperwork but the paperwork for the Ds as well. I promise you, if you ever get as arrogant as that bitch Traci, I will publish those pictures from the police academy!"

"Oh no, Dov, you wouldn't dare!" Traci screeched.

* * *

Andy knew, she should be prepared for what she saw the next morning. Still she felt like she was sucker punched when Gail and Nick came into the station together. They were careful to leave a meter-wide gap between them, but their smiling faces told everyone anything there was to know.

It had also been the first morning, that Andy didn't have a flower or even a sticky note at her locker door. She knew that it was what she wanted, but she felt a bit sad just then. It seemed in the following days that Sam had finally given up. When he saw her around the barn, his looks were not longer expecting. Where he used to give her an inviting smile in the past, his smiles now were just small gestures, more like greeting than anything else.

Immediately after their breakup Sam had avoided Andy completely and as much as it had hurt her back then, she knew now that he had done it not to give in. He knew he couldn't trust his feelings around her so he had stayed away. In a way he had always been keenly aware where she was. But now he no longer orientated himself in position to her. He stood where he stood no matter how close Andy was. She had no idea what she should make out of this new behavior.

She wondered how long it would take for him to really start trying to get over her. She imagined that one day in the not to distant future, he was going to come through the doors and he would be smiling again. Maybe he would smell of her perfume, maybe it would be a hickey. But then she would know that he had taken her advice. She was aware that that was what she had told him numerous times and that it was what she wanted. It made her a bit sad nonetheless. Sam and her were an important chapter in the story that was her life. She knew that regrets were useless, but when she closed her locker she wondered if maybe she should have given in to his wooing. Maybe she could have fallen for him again. Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much to see Nick and Gail reunited when she had someone to take her mind off of things.


	7. Chapter 7

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

About this story:

Please be indulgent if I don't get some things right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so please point out any mistakes concerning structures, terms and laws. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible. Finally, I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I hope that my syntax and grammar are understandable in general, but I will make linguistic and cultural mistakes from time to time. I count on you to point those out. Thank you very much.

* * *

**AN:**

**"The main use in criticism is in showing what manner of man the critic is." Frank Moore Colby  
**

After I got several anonymous reviews, I started wondering about their intentions. Obviously you were absent at school, when the teacher talked about constructive criticism. There is the type of review like:

"You probably don't want to watch the actual show when it starts in the summer as you are sure to be disappointed when you discover that the characters are adults. My only other thought is WTF?"

To that my reply would be "Don't like, don't read. Nobody is forcing you to."

And then you can give actual constructive criticism. For example:

"I don't like where this story is going. In my opinion your characterizations are out of character. After all the protagonists are at least in their Mid-Twenties. I believe, they should behave like adults. From what I have heard about Season 4 the writer's continued quite differently."

For this kind of a review you would get a "Thank you very much! Your concerns are noted. And I agree the characters act quite juvenile. I was unsure on how to connect certain scenes and this was the best I could come up with. I will try to do better in the following chapters and have them behave more appropriately in the future. I ask you to remember though, that love is not always rational and makes you do foolish things sometimes."

Finally, this is not a Jane Austen novel. It might surprise some of you, but women do have the same rights as men nowadays. Mysogonistic behavior is not only gang rape. It starts a lot sooner and right here in our every day life. Calling someone the "station bicycle" is perfect example of how little respect some people have for women. Would you call Dov or Chris that as well? If not, you may explain to me the difference between for example Dov and Andy.

**I would like to thank linda p, lazeeme and MLRB for the kind words of support for this story. I hope all of you enjoy the story.**

**And of course a special thanks to Jelly Bean Jenna for her superb beta skills.**

* * *

September 17 2012

"... And then I told him, that he should hook up with this new rookie. You know, the one with the french name, 'Sagan' I think. Ungh, tell me again, why alcohol is still legal?"

Andy had been ranting about her conversation with Sam for half an hour. Her coffee had gone cold a while ago and she was pretty sure, by now all the other costumers of the coffee shop knew everything about her guy troubles. But Luke had sat across from her and listened to her. He had pressed her hand from time to time in reassurance, when she became too agitated or loud.

"Andy, calm down! You have just spent have an hour talking about the guy, you don't want to be with. But you haven't said one word about the guy you say you love. Come on, you must know that I hear the gossip too. Nick and Gail are back together again. Look, take a moment and collect yourself. I will get us some more coffee and then we are gonna talk about what really upsets you. And don't you dare bolt on me. I know where you live and you know, you have to talk about it. Do you want some cake or cookies with your cappuccino?"

Andy shook her head and let herself fall back into the cushions of her armchair. She loved this cafe. It was small and friendly and had a beautiful view on a ravine. Luke and her had found it a long time ago after they got caught in a sudden downpour. She hadn't been back in quite some time, but it was still as cozy as ever. The coffee-date with Luke had become a regular thing ever since she was back. In the beginning they had met somewhere downtown, usually close to headquarters in some fancy coffee place where everything was in different shades of white. But ever since she was back at Fifteen, she had suggested more and more of their old places. Luke had been hesitant at first and offered to go somewhere new, but she had been stubborn and told him she wanted hot chocolate from Artie's. She had argued that they had loved these places, because they were the best and that they were mature enough not to associate the place with their relationship. And now they were in this small cafe where they had spent one of the most magical days of their relationship.

Andy was still deep in thought, when Luke put the cupcake down in front of her. She had eyed the Chocolate-Cherry-Cupcake when they ordered their coffee, but had finally decided against it.

"Here you go! I hope this time your coffee won't get cold again."

She held up the cupcake and studied it carefully. "Thanks Luke. You are great. How did you know I wanted this one?"

"May I remind you that I am a detective? When we came here before you would always rave about their cupcakes. I just guessed you would want this one. I bought enough Cherry Garcia when we were together to know that you like the flavor. But please stop the stalling. How do you feel about Nick and Gail?" he replied smiling and Andy couldn't help but sigh.

It had been a long time since she had seen him smile. They had talked about the mental history in his family back when they were together. She knew, that he had battled with depression for a long time. But with the amount of work he did nowadays, she was afraid that it would not be long before he was collapsing. He needed someone to take his mind off of things or at least to look out for him.

"I don't know what to say about it. I always knew that it would come to this. I mean, ever since I came to terms with my feelings towards him, I prepared myself for this. Now the day is here and I am dealing with it. Of course it sucks but I have enough strategies to cope. You don't have to worry about me, Luke. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I am insanely jealous of Gail. I mean, he did woo her at least as much as Sam wooed me and she gave him one tongue lashing after another. And all these times she accused him of cheating with me. That was brutal. And he still wanted her back. Actually that evening was the first time he stood up to her. Before it was always ever me who had to defend our UC stint. So yeah, I am a little bit angry, that he still wants her. But I won't go and jump off a cliff because of that. Trust me."

Luke leaned forward in his chair and fixed her with his gaze. "How does Gail treat you now that they are back together?"

"You know how Gail is. She gets cruel when she feels threatened. And I kind of get it. If it had been the other way around, I am not sure what I would have done. I think it got a bit better since they are back together. But it is still early. For now she flaunts it in my face every chance she gets. Our relationship will probably never get back to normal again. But I guess she would act more like herself, if I got a new boyfriend."

"Yeah. That sounds definitely a lot like Gail. So maybe you should make a pact with Swarek. You both chose someone for the other."

"Haha, very funny Luke. Maybe I should ask you instead."

Luke raised one eyebrow, swallowed his coffee and gave Andy a distracted "Hmm?"

"I said, maybe we two should try to find someone for each other. Luke, when was the last time you went on a date? And I promise you, I will hurt you if you say Gail. That were not dates, those were pity-parties you threw eachother. So when was the last time you took someone out and had fun?"

"Andy please. Let's not talk about this."

"Stop it, Luke. It is like I thought, isn't it? You can't remember. You have to make an effort. Go out, go to the theater or bowling for all I care. It doesn't really matter what you do, but you need someone in your life. I imagine your mom would probably love to play cupid and set you up with someone. You said once upon a time you wanted kids. I know you are catholic, but even you know that you won't get any children if you don't have sex. "

The rest of their afternoon was filled with playful banter and lighter topics. Still Andy couldn't help but watch out for the droopy expression that crossed his face every so often. She knew, she hadn't even scratched on the surface of things. Depressed patients were masters in disguising their true feelings. Back when he had told her he was a good poker player, he hadn't been kidding. His skills at the table were mediocre at best, but when they were talking about real feelings and he didn't want someone to see what was in his heart, he was unreadable. He had an indecipherable pokerface.

* * *

September 19 2012

"I know, Sarah... Mhmm... I said I will buy it!... Yes, I know where I can get them... We have almost two weeks!... Fine... Yes, I will... Yeah, I promise... Just make sure it doesn't collapse... Mhmm... Bye."

Sam slammed down the phone and rubbed his eyes. He felt how the skin around his eyes was getting softer. He felt like he was getting old lately. He had developed early on crowfeet in the corner of his eyes. But now, they were deeper than ever and he knew, they were not vanishing after a good nights sleep anymore.

"So much trouble for a stupid lemon. She is not even religious, why does she bother now?"

Traci raised her head and looked speculating at Sam. "Everything alright with you?"

"Yeah, my sister had just one of her stupid ideas. She thought it would be a good idea for us to celebrate a traditional Sukkot. She thinks that Rebeccah... Erm... I mean my... mom... would suddenly remember us all again, once she has spend a night in a stupid booth. It is almost October and my sister wants to sleep outside. She is obviously crazy. The thing doesn't even have a proper roof."

"Well, maybe it will trigger some memories. They say memories from the childhood are the last ones dementia patients loose. Hold on, Dex is calling." Traci said, once she had checked her phone.

"Hello Dex. What's going on?...What?... Since when?... Ok... Yes, yes... I know... If that's really the problem, there is nothing anyone could have done... What hospital?... Right, I will go there straight away. See you." Traci hung up the phone and looked panicky.

"Erm, that was Dex. Leo is in the hospital. It is his appendix apparently. I need to go there as soon as possible. They want to operate before it ruptures."

"Go, your kid needs you. Let someone escort you with a squad car. That way you might even see him, before he is wheeled in. I will tell Frank."

"Thanks Sam. Oh shoot! I promised Andy to give her a lift today. She has to fetch some kind of delivery. Could you drive her?"

"If she lets me help, I will. Don't worry, we will figure it out. Go now!" Sam said as he pushed Traci out of the door of the Ds' office.

* * *

By the time Andy finished her paperwork, she was spectacularly late. The locker room was empty except for her. So when she left, she was quite surprised to see Sam waiting. She had the feeling, that he tried to avoid her as much as possible ever since she spoke to him at the Penny. He slowly pushed of the wall and approached her carefully. Andy couldn't deny that he was in the best shape of his life. Last year she had teased him several times that he got bigger ever since they got together. Now there was nothing on him that you could call chubby.

"Hey. I am supposed to take you home tonight. I hope you don't mind. Traci had to go. Leo is in surgery. He has appendicitis."

Here first thought was concern for Leo and Traci. They had been through enough. They didn't need any more drama. Then she thought about herself. Did she really want to go with Sam? Could they survive the awkward silence? Their last conversation was still fresh on her mind. But the delivery was supposed to be picked up today. And the others had left already for the day. By the time she got Chris or Dov back to the station to pick her up and then across town, the office was going to be closed.

She chewed on the inside of her cheek and finally decided, "Thanks Sam, that it really nice of you. I hope you filled the truck with gas. Because we have to go all the way across town."

Sam just smiled and ushered her to his truck. He wanted to round to hood and help her into the passenger seat. But he knew, that would not go over well. She had never liked to be handled like a fragile doll and she had only ever allowed his help because it was more of a fondling session than anything else. He was pretty sure if he tried to grab her ass now he would have at least two dislocated fingers. So he clutched the the handle to his driver's door and kept his hands busy until she was safely inside. Only then did he climb into the cab. It was all about breaking old habits. There would be no kiss for him to greet her. He would simply put the key into the ignition and start the car. He would put the car into drive and then he would keep his hands on the steering wheel. He would not reach across to her side and link their hands. He turned the radio on to avoid any conversations. Unfortunately he forgot that he still had a CD in the player. He was embarrassed now that he realized, how cheesy Classic Rock could sound. He got the feeling that the universe was out to punish him today. First he had to deal with his crazy sister, now he had to act as if he was getting over Andy in no time.

The drive to the Canada Border Services Agency had been had been long and awkward. There had been almost no communication between the two of them and as much as Andy was allergic to silence she was not going to speak to him. The last time had been too embarrassing and with the newest developments in her love life she didn't dare to talk to him. She had felt like she had just pulled another shift by the time they were finally at the CBSA. She cursed the damned company who was not able to declare their goods appropriately. She had briefly thought about telling Sam she had changed her mind and asking him to just leave her at the next bus stop, but she had been brave and now she could finally fetch her new couch table. Sam had asked her what they were picking up and had then only raised his eyebrows when she explained she had ordered a coffee table from India.

She remembered how he had told her about the temptation to buy things from the TV while you were undercover. Her poison had been the internet. One thing after another she had substituted things, that reminded her too much of Perry's attack. Now she had a squeaky clean apartment and she had sold off most of the furniture in her living room. She hadn't told him anything about that reason though. He was not a part of her life anymore. He had no business knowing about her feelings.

Their way home had been almost as awkward as the way there. Only this time Andy knew, that they had already managed most of it. Even though he could not read her mind Sam felt similar. He kept chanting 'You can make it to the next stop!' in his head over and over again. By the time they arrived at the toilet factory Andy's perfume had filled the whole cab and his self-discipline was wearing thin. The last few minutes Sam had clutched the steering wheel as if it was his salvation and he jumped out of his truck as soon as the wheels stopped at the curb. Awkwardly he got the table off the bed of his truck and took a moment to breath in the unpolluted air.

He had thought about leaving Andy with the table at the curb, but the thing was heavy. She would never manage to carry it up the stairs alone. He had no choice, he was going to help her. He closed his eyes and took one deep breath.

In the time it took to get his bearings Andy had joined him at the rear of the car and was pulling the table towards her.

"McNally, can you tell me what you are doing there?"

"I am trying to carry a table. What does it look like to you?"

"Stop it. The thing is too heavy. I barely managed to get it off my truck alone. You will only scratch the legs, if you continue like that. Go and open the door. We will carry it up together."

As Sam had predicted, the table was rather difficult to carry. But together they managed to carry it up the two flights of stairs. When they finally sat the table down in front of her couch, they were both slightly out of breath.

"You want something to drink?" Andy asked as Sam stood up and took in the changes. The room had changed a lot in the few months since he had last seen it. He pictured her old place in his head and went over every detail he could think of. If this was what Andy's most personal space looked like, he wanted to catalog every change he could detect.

"Naw, I am good, thank you. I think, I should get going."

"Sam, wait!"

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to thank you. You didn't have to do that today. So thanks for that. I promise the next time I won't bother you. I will just get Traci or Nick to give me a ride."

Sam ground his teeth together as he heard army-boy's name. She really knew how she could wound him.

"Don't worry. I didn't mind. If you ever need a ride... You know you can call me. Just don't take the bus or a taxi alone at night. Well, I guess that's it then for tonight. Take care."

"Are you leaving already?" She asked, just as he was reaching for the door handle.

He felt like she was constantly hot and cold with him. One moment she wanted him to move on and they weren't even allowing them to remain friends, then the next moment she all but asked him to stay. He knew if she really did ask him, he would stay. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her. But she had wanted for him to move on with his life. And until she changed her mind or he could really get over her, he would have to pretend. It was his best shot.

"Yeah. I gotta go. See you around."


	8. Chapter 8

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

_About this story:_

_This work is pure fiction. I did not do scientific research on really anything in this story. I do not want to offend anyone with this story. I was simply inspired by other works of fictions and took the facts from published authors, TV shows and the oh so unreliable internet. So please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so please point out any mistakes concerning structures, terms and laws. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible. Finally, I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I hope that my syntax and grammar are understandable in general, but I will make linguistic and cultural mistakes from time to time. I count on you to point those out. Thank you very much._

* * *

AN:

_I guess by now all of you have seen the promo for season 4. Even before I left for the excavation I never paid much attention to the rumors concerning season 4. So I only integrated few things into my story. Now, after I saw the promo, I decided to rename two characters in my story, they seem to have to different characters: Marlo Cruz will be Julianna Scarlatti and Chloe Price is going to be Lydia Parker._

_Oh, and by jh126's suggestion the name of Sam's truck is now Sadie._

**_I would like to thank all of you for your Reviews and kind PMs. I would especially like to thank linda.p, who really tried to make sure I was ok. Had I known you were so concerned, I would have contacted you. I also would like to thank MamaluvsRB, lazeeme, smdaniels20, tanya1980 and jh126 for their lovely reviews and helpful comments! As always your input is very much appreciated._**

**_And the biggest thanks of all goes out to my tiredless beta Jelly Bean Jenna. Thank you!_**

* * *

Their first day together as partners was rather uneventful. It seemed like the new protocol from SIU had finally come through, because Best had taken his sweet time until he deemed it right, that they were paired together again. Maybe Fifteen didn't have fixed partners, but they definitely had preferred pairings. And Andy had hoped, that she and Nick were going to patrol together regularly from now on.

Most of the day they had spent on foot patrol. They had walked up and down their beat and kept an eye out for illegal activities. Even though the Biker's and their suppliers had all been arrested, they both wore peaked hats and rather large shades. While Nick seemed almost back to normal, Andy was still slightly paranoid and had insisted, they patrol in a neighborhood, where no one from 'HoC's would go voluntarily.

After the end of the task force, there had been a power vacuum in Toronto's Organized Crime. And now as a result every little dealer and pimp tried to make his big play. It was annoying as hell and Frank had ridden their asses to make some collars. Andy would have liked to laugh at that. She had been a cop long enough to know, that the real criminals were not doing their business in the open or were stupid enough to get caught. Especially not when uniformed officers were running around. But the people of this part of town had become even more scared than they used to be. They needed their reassurance. So they walked up and down the streets.

She hated it though. They were only putting on a show, while some else tried to take over Toronto's underworld. After all this work she and Nick had put into the task force, Toronto had not become a better place. It had not been safer for people to live here. Just the opposite. There had been more bloodshed in the last two months than in a long time before that. Unfortunately there had also been several civilian casualties. And they could not stop it. They only ever got the small fishes for their dirty work. The masterminds stayed hidden and were thinking out strategies how to rule the city. She knew how they operated, because she had been among them.

_Identify, disrupt and dismantle._ She wondered how well the motto of the Organized Crime Enforcement was working. If someone looked now in the faces of the mothers clutching their children's hands and hurrying from their cars to their front doors, one would think a war had broken out in Moss Park. It might always have been their most difficult neighborhood, but it had never been like this. And the Hordes of Chaos did not even have direct influence in this part of town. They were not the enforcers here. They had only been the suppliers. Guns, drugs, women. It didn't matter what it was, the Hordes of Chaos sold it to the highest bidding ally.

After their UC stint Frank expected Nick and her to get them plenty of intel. But they didn't have any CIs here in the city. They had just moved back to Toronto a month before the bust went down. For most of their time undercover they had stayed in Mississauga. Their CIs were all back there. And Andy was pretty sure, that the petty criminals she was supposed to turn would be a lot more uncooperative while she wore her Blues.

Sam had been good at getting informants. He had always spotted the one person in a gang, that he could work. He had gotten them to trust him easily. Figuring out which source was reliable, required a good knowledge of human nature and took plenty of research. But Sam had rarely done the research, only to end up with a lying bastard, that blew his valuable information out of proportion. Andy wished she had picked that up from him. Unfortunately she had not absorbed that particular skill. So she tried to work with what Sam had taught her and what she learned in her time undercover.

But she hadn't been very lucky that day. So Andy and Nick spent the day wandering the sidewalks of their beat aimlessly. They had scared away a few car thieves and arrested some teenagers for stealing beer, but that had been about it. It was their job, but still it felt unsatisfying. It gave them plenty of time to talk. And Andy wasn't sure, she wanted to talk. In the last week she had talked about her feelings more than enough to last her a lifetime. First Luke had pressed her to verbalize her innermost sentiments and then she had finally explained all her trouble to Traci.

After Leo's surgery Andy had been a bit annoyed with her best friend. Of course she had been very concerned about Leo and had worried about the surgery. But after all it was routine surgery and Leo had been brought to the hospital with plenty of time. Andy thought, that her best friend would have had enough time to contact her, at least while she waited. She cared for Leo too and would have wanted to know what happened. Several times over the past couple of weeks Traci had pushed Andy towards Sam and had on one occasion all but begged her to give him a second chance. So Andy came to the conclusion that she hadn't told her about the change of plans on purpose.

Their fight had been one of their biggest yet. In the end they had sat down and talked. It had been emotionally draining for both of them and they had both been sobbing messes at the end, but it had unmistakably cleared the air between them.

Andy felt betrayed and Traci was annoyed by her self-centered attitude. Her battery had simply died, while she waited and she had only asked Sam to drive her, because he had been there when she got the call. She reassured her, that she would have asked Dov or Chris had they been present, but she hadn't wanted to waste any time by getting hold of them.

Maybe she couldn't be angry with Andy for taking what was supposed to be Traci's job, but ever since she came back, Traci felt like Andy demanded a special treatment and for every one to be extra considerate towards her. It seemed like she had completely forgotten, that their lives had gone on without her too. Things had happened at Fifteen and habits were formed while she was gone. They did their best to include Andy back in her ranks, but there would be times when Andy was still an outsider. She hadn't been there when they chased the thief right into the entrance of the barn. And she hadn't been there to witness how Oliver's marriage broke beyond repair. She had been away and they had continued living. She had to accept that it would be a while before she would be in tune with them again.

For now Andy had to process enough. Traci was convinced, that Sam was completely serious about her and had told her what a huge effort he had made, while she was gone. She had learned that the clean apartment, the flowers and the food had all been Sam's doing, just like she suspected. And she was more than surprised, how much Sam had changed in the last six months. While he was still more or less the silent type, he had used Traci for practice in opening up to someone. First they had only bonded over Jerry's death and shared memories with one another, but it didn't take long before the topics became more personal. Maybe it was easier to trust Jerry's confidante, whatever the reason was, Traci managed to build a rapport with him. By now Traci knew almost as much about Sam as Andy did. In only six months she had succeeded in making him share personal things, that Andy hadn't managed to get out of him after years as partners and almost a year of pillow talk. As much as she told herself, that they were done and she was over him, she felt a tiny bit jealous towards her best friend.

And then Andy had finally shared her feelings towards Nick with Traci. At first Traci had been shocked. It had been the last thing, she expected to hear from her best friend, but after Andy had finished, she had to admit it seemed almost logical for Andy to fall for Nick. She had shared with him all the messy details of her failed relationship with Sam. And Nick had been a good friend and had taken all the information into consideration, when he was around her. He had worked with what he knew about her habits, to make their cohabitation as pleasant as possible. With Nick the pots in the kitchen cabinets were always stacked from smallest to biggest and he always cleaned his whiskers from the bathroom sink. Add to that his reassuring attitude and his affectionate behavior in public and he looked like the man of her dreams.

Though she had hesitated in the beginning, Andy told Traci about the physical aspect of her attraction and their public display of affection. It had been hard for Traci to admit until then, but her friend really seemed to be into Nick. It was not just misjudged feelings of friendship or a physical attraction. Andy had seriously fallen for him.

Traci felt bad for Sam. While Andy was gone, Sam had opened up to her quite a bit and she had encouraged him to put himself out there. She had only had the information from before the task force, but she had been convinced Andy would still be available after she came back. They had thought that she had agreed to go before Sam had made his speech. And then, who was there to fall for while she was undercover? Nick had been with Gail and Traci couldn't imagine that Luke would have sent his ex-fiancée on a valentine op. Never had she imagined this love triangle. Though if you counted in Luke and Gail it was not just a triangle, they were now dealing with a pentagram.

For Andy the day went worse than she expected. Even though it had been over two months since they had last played a couple, Andy had forced her hand to hang loosely down on her thigh more than once. It was harder than she thought not to reach out for Nick and walk down the sidewalk hand in hand. Her hand in his had always felt so natural. It felt wrong now not to interlock their fingers. But with his new relationship status it was even more forbidden to claim some of his affection now than it had ever been before.

Nick had spent almost two hours explaining to Andy, what had happened between Gail and himself after they left the Penny to talk. He had explained how Gail had let all the anger out and how then the energy had shifted to other passions. At that point Andy had been immensely grateful, that she wore sunglasses, because she was not sure her pokerface was that good. With a dreamy expression on his face he had described to her in detail, how they had finally given into their desires. He had asked her for her opinion when he described how often they had loved each other. He told her, that he wanted more than the spectacular sex from Gail. He wanted a life with her and he was afraid, that they were messing up again because they were not talking enough. Andy had by then opted to take rather shallow breaths and had fallen slightly behind. The shards of her broken heart made it difficult to breathe. But Nick had been oblivious to her pain. She knew, that had he been aware of it, he would never let her suffer like this. But she had thought it best to keep her feelings to herself. She knew, they could never have again what they had now if she told him. It was bad enough that her friendship with Gail had suffered like it did. She didn't want to loose any more people. So she had braved the pain, played the part of a good friend and analyzed his issues.

He in turn had been quite interested in her interactions with Swarek and had pressed her for more details. But Andy had no interest to rehash that topic again. She had spent too much time already on someone she was over. She wanted to grieve in silence. Her partner made it impossible though. As if Nick knew something was up, he had annoyed her for the rest of their shift with some of his random lines.

* * *

At the end of the day Andy hurried to the Black Penny as quickly as she could. She had thought working with Nick again would be a relief. But at that moment she felt like it was a punishment. She feared what the future would hold for her, when this was the torture she had to endure only on their first day.

She went to the bar and ordered a Scotch. She needed something strong and she was not in the mood for company. She hadn't really paid attention to the other patrons, when she came in and was slightly surprised, to see Sam appear next to her.

"Well McNally, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Huh?" she asked rather surprised.

"I asked, why you decided to join me tonight instead of drinking with your friends." Sam pushed his head back in the direction of the others.

"What are you talking about? There was no one at the bar when I came in. You are the one who joined me, Sam."

He smiled and picked up a half empty bottle in front of him before he gestured with it towards the backdoor. "I just went outside to call Oliver. He is trying to hole up again at home. I made him come here instead."

"How is he doing nowadays? Traci told me, that he and Zoe are officially separated and wanna get a divorce. Before I left, I had the impression, that he still wanted to work it out?"

"Yeah, well. I think that was more of a half hearted attempt on Zoe's part. They were over a long time ago. Both were unhappy and I sometimes got the feeling, they only stayed with each other because of the kids. I guess it was my fault, they tried it again. I convinced Oliver, he should not give up on their relationship."

"That sucks. I'm sorry. So, is he still staying with you then?"

Sam looked at her and raised his eyebrows. "Nah, he's got his own little apartment. But that one is only temporary. He is trying to get custody for at least Izzy. Today he had another meeting with his lawyer. After that he is always messed up, so I thought he should go out for a while."

Andy had already finished her third drink by the time she realized she was still talking to Sam. Oliver never made it and it felt almost like it was three years ago and she was still Sam's rookie. They might have to stay clear of everything concerning their love lives but she couldn't deny that it felt good to talk to him again. After the day she had, she was pleasantly surprised from the evening and didn't even think to join her regular table. When Traci finally came by to offer her a lift, she was sure that this was exactly what she needed. She had to find someone to distract her from her anguish of her heart. On the way home Traci had been conspicuously silent. The whole way there and also in the following days, she didn't say a word to Andy about the company she had kept.

Soon Andy formed a new pattern: If she had been paired for the shift with someelse other than Nick, she would come in the evenings to sit with her friends, but on those shifts she had been with Nick she always ended up sooner or later at the bar next to Sam. She didn't know if anyone had figured out her little routine, but she finally felt like she could control her emotions again. The only problem was that she tended to drink rather a lot if she was with Sam. He had always been someone who could handle his whisky rather well and had in turn always needed a lot more alcohol than her to become inebriated. And while they had both paid for their own drinks in the beginnings, they had soon taken turns paying and after a while Andy only protested weakly, when Sam gestured to Liam to put the new round on his tab. She knew, what she was doing was dangerous, but she couldn't help herself. Sam was such a comfortable distraction and a willing participant.

September 28 2012

Andy breathed out a sigh of relief when she saw Sam already sitting at the bar. As usual the seat next to him was vacant. Today she had been once again on shift with Nick. Best had soon realized, that their arrest records were always impeccable and the number of collars very high, when the two of them worked together. During their time undercover they had learned to think in sync and it was visible now. Unfortunately that meant Andy had to work together with Nick almost every day.

She remembered his comment from so long ago about working together with Sam. It was ironic. Now he was the one she wanted to avoid and turned to Sam for comfort.

Today she went directly to the bar. Dov and Chris were on the nightshift and Traci was at home taking care of Leo. Andy didn't know yet how she was going to get home, but for the moment she didn't care. She needed something to take the edge off. Scotch or Sam, it didn't really matter, what it was that helped her. It only matters that she was not thinking about Nick for the rest of the night. The very same Nick that sat in the corner and had Gail on his lap, even though there were plenty of empty seats available.

She dropped down on the seat next to Sam and motioned for Liam to bring her a double. After the day she had, she needed it. Sam turned his head to face her and instead of a greeting he stared at her for a very long uncomfortably moment. Andy got the feeling that he was reading her mind and started an awkward conversation about his work today. It is awkward because she had spent almost the whole afternoon with Nick in the observation room while Sam interrogated the suspect. He knew that she knew how his day had been. Nevertheless he played along.

That night she had overtaken him with the number of drinks. Still she felt like she didn't have nearly enough. The whole afternoon with Nick in a dimly lit room. Sam had done a wonderful job of making her forget everything around her. As long as he stayed by her side, she was sure, she would not fall into the abyss. Even though Andy wasn't exactly able to focus her eyes anymore, she saw the muscles in Sam's forearm move as he played with his empty glass. She didn't remember if his forearms had always looked as good as they did just then. He was really in a good shape. With arms like these he could support her easily against the wall. As soon as she had finished that thought she scolded herself. She had no business fantasizing about him. She was over him for god's sake.

She shook her head and finished her drink. She had to get home. Carefully not the tip everyone off on how drunk she really was, she stood up and looked around. Unfortunately none of her usual chauffeurs was there. Tonight was one of these nights where she really needed a ride and they were all busy somewhere else. She sighed and got her phone out. It hadn't even registered with her, that she hadn't said goodbye to Sam yet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her while she desperately tried to unlock the screen.

"I wanna call a cab, why?" she replied half exasperated, half defiant.

"Because you are not getting into a cab alone, especially not at night." he told her.

"Drop the condendi-, condens-, condescending tone, will you? You are not my keeper, Sam." She was definitely drunk and she was getting agitated. The last thing he wanted was to destroy all the progress they made in the last couple of days.

"Relax Andy. That's not what I meant. I am not fit to drive either. So let's share it. We will drop you off at your place first and then I will take the cab home. Does that sound like a plan?"

He had to fight the urge to talk to her like he would talk to a child. But she was so damn cute. Still she was almost twenty nine and she would not appreciate it. 'Keep it light!' had been his motto ever since she told him she wanted to chose his next girlfriend. And so far his strategy had worked for him. Andy didn't avoid him as much as she used to and had even started to seek him out nowadays.

Once he had called the company for their cab, he grabbed their jackets and guided her carefully towards the entrance. He wasn't sure if she was simply too numbed from the alcohol or if she honestly didn't mind, but she never shrugged off his hand on the small of her back. Sam rejoiced at the feeling. He hadn't had so much body contact with her, since he had enclosed her hand with his on that very fateful day in january. And he took it as a very good sign that she did not shy away from his touch.

The ride to her place had been short and silent. Andy leaned her head against the cool glass of the window and closed her eyes. She looked almost like she was asleep. Once they arrived Sam had given the driver some cash and had gotten her out carefully. He was not risking that something was going to happen to her on her way up. He had made the mistake once to drop her off at the curb and if it was in his power he would make sure that she was safe this time.

Once he saw Andy stumble across the sidewalk, he knew he had made the right choice. He might be tipsy himself, but she was definitely on the other side of drunk. Carefully he took the keys from her and helped her inside. He rejoiced at the feeling of her body against his. She fitted so perfectly under his arm. After he had finally gotten her up the stairs and managed to unlock the door, he sat her down on her couch. He knew, he should get her changed and into bed, but he wasn't so sure she would appreciate it in the morning.

He was just about to stand up and leave, when he felt her hand circle his wrist. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot, but she was still as beautiful as ever now that she looked up at him. He had to swallow hard as she tucked on his arm and pulled him down next to her.

"Remember last year, after I got back from North Bay, what we did on the couch?"

Sam could only nod. He had worked so hard to keep the memories of their good times in this very living room locked up. And now she brought them up. Did she want to torture him?

She hadn't let go of his arm since she had grabbed it and traced now invisible pattern on the bare skin of his forearm. Sam was pretty sure, that her apartment was warm enough not to have goosebumps, but he couldn't help but shudder. The feeling of her fingers on his skin was almost too much. How he had yearned for her to touch him.

"You know, we might not be compatible as personalities, but the sex. The sex was always spectacular, wasn't it?"

Oh god, he had the feeling that he could not think anymore. Did she really need to bring up their sex life? He had a hard enough time as it was not to attack her mouth right this moment. And she wanted to talk about sex. But even if he had wanted to escape, there was nowhere to go. She had trapped him between the back and the armrest of the couch. As she leaned in closer, he could see the small scar right there on top of her lip. Oh how much he loved to kiss these lips.

"I bet you are even fit enough now to try this handstand-thing. Do you know, what I mean?" He hadn't said a word since he had sat down and he was not sure he could even form thoughts anymore. Her hand had slowly moved up his arm and was now fondling his biceps. As she brushed her soft fingers across the muscles he had to close his eyes. Damn it, she was just touching his arm nothing more.

When he opened them again, her face was only centimeters away from his and she whispered "Maybe we should try it now." before she closed the distance and attacked his mouth. By the time he registered that he was actually kissing Andy, she had already straddled him and pressed him into the cushions of the couch with her hips.


	9. Chapter 9

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

About this story:

_This work is pure fiction. I did not do scientific research on really anything in this story. I was simply inspired by other works of fictions and took the facts from published authors, TV shows and the oh so unreliable internet. _

_I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I count on you to point out any linguistic or cultural mistakes I make. Thank you very much. And please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so whenever I mess up with structures, terms and laws, tell me. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible._

* * *

** First of all, I hope you and all your loved ones are doing well.**

_******T****he work Jelly Bean Jenna put into this chapter is **very much appreciated. So, thank you! I would also like to thank RBCrazyFan for some help with some cultural themes.  
_

_**********Thank you, linda p., MamaLuvsRB, 1mcswarek and jh126, and all of you readers for having faith in me and the story. It is going to get worse, before it can become better. But I hope you will stick around.  
**_

* * *

September 30 2012

The next morning, when Sam woke up in her bed, he was pretty hung over. He had never slept well in Andy's bed and today he was not really rested either.

While the sex had triggered more than a sexual release, he still felt the emotional stress weighing him down. The constant rollercoaster of emotions had taken it's toll. The tension had spreat into his whole body and he knew that one night of physical contact was not going to erase that. His wrist cracked a bit, as rested his head in the palm of his hand. The whole night he had tried to improve the decline of his head with his arms. Now they felt tired and sore. Sam had never liked to stay over at Andy's. Sleeping there had been difficult for him. She had almost no pillows in her bed and Sam couldn't stand that. Ever since he had laid helpless on the floor in the old farmhouse, he could not sleep on his back anymore. He would wake up screaming and sweating only because he had pushed his pillows away. For a moment he would be at Jamie Brennan's mercy again.

Now there was something else that triggered memories. The smell filling his nostrils was familiar. And his mind showed him a sleeping Andy, her form basked in sunlight. Small dust particles were dancing about her naked skin. The odor was unique only to Andy. It took him a moment to get his thoughts so far in order as to remember, that he had actually broken up with Andy and that they were not back together yet. Andy had been quite clear about that the previous evening. Still he loved to see her sleep next to him. It meant at least that she felt save enough with him. Maybe it was just for a moment, but he felt good again.

He watched her for a long time before he became aware of the static from her clock radio. They must have unknowingly turned the dial and changed the frequency on their way to her bed. They had both been drunk and clumsy on the way into her bedroom and he was pretty sure, they had knocked over a lot of all these small unnecessary things she kept around. But he didn't care, he liked that he had some kind of proof that last night really happened.

He slowly sat up and looked around the dark room. The only light he saw, was from the window. Their clothes were thrown everywhere and he fished his boxers from the side of the bed. Her bedroom was rather cool and he couldn't find his t-shirt. He sighed and went to her dresser.

He never left any of his clothes here voluntarily. If he ever did, it was only because she wore them or he couldn't find them, when he had to go. By the time he finally remembered them again, she would always have washed them and put them in her dresser. Every time she would put them in the second drawer from the top. Back then, he wondered why she didn't have anything else in there. But he had been too afraid to ask. He had been worried, that they would have to have a serious discussion, if he ever brought it up. So he kept his mouth shut and simply took his clothes with him on his way home.

Just like he was used to, he opened the drawer. But now he found it surprisingly full. He only remembered two or three t-shirts, maybe a pair of boxers he left here, when they broke up. Now there were her work out clothes and the dark fabric beneath it looked like could belong to her sweat pants. But there was also something that looked an awful lot like a henley shirt. He took it out of the drawer and unfolded it. Just like he suspected, it was definitely too big for her. Only, he never wore henley shirts. He remembered back in the days how these white, ripped shirts were something only an old-fashioned father would have worn. Now he stared at something like that in her drawer. He knew only two people, who wore those kind of shirts nowadays and he was pretty sure, that that was not one of Diaz' shirts in her drawer. In spite of the hangover the day had started pretty good for him. After all he had finally woken up with Andy by his side again. But now he felt like he was going to be sick.

He closed the drawer and made his way out of her room to make coffee. And again he was puzzled, because the coffee machine was no longer there. While he had taken care of her apartment, he hadn't let himself snoop. He wanted for Andy to share her life voluntarily. He most certainly had never given the kitchen appliances a second thought. It unsettled him immensely. How much else had changed in her life?

By the time he had finally found a coffee pot, he didn't have time to make breakfast anymore. He actually had to wake Andy up in the next five minutes, if either of them wanted to make it to parade. There was not going to be a breakfast in bed today. So he filled a glass with water and hunted down some Tylenol. And then he made his way back into her room and shook her gently awake. He was sorry that he had to disturb her rest, but she needed the time for the painkillers to start working before she arrived at the station.

While Andy finally managed to get up and rushed to get a shower, Sam went on a hunt for the rest of his clothes. At first he couldn't find his sock and he had been tempted to leave it, if only to have something of his back in her drawer. But then he thought otherwise. A single smelly sock was not something he wanted her to find. In the end he found it himself. He had already stuffed it in the back pocket of his jeans together with the keys for his truck. He had no idea why had done that, but now he realized, he had another problem. The pick up was still at the Black Penny and he would need it at his disposal today.

After he had called the cab company, he finally peeked into the bathroom. Andy was already showered and dressed. Oh God, did she look beautiful. But Sam didn't have the time to daydream. So he explained briefly his current problem and bid Andy goodbye with a kiss on her cheek. He wondered briefly, what she thought of that unfeeling goodbye. He would have to carry at least a toothbrush with him in the future. Most definitely he would not miss another chance to kiss Andy because he had morning breath.

* * *

When Sam woke Andy, she had been in the middle of a dream. Andy sat up slowly and took the pills Sam held out for her, before she stood up and made her way into the bathroom. She felt sick from all the alcohol she had consumed last night and she felt immensely guilty for hooking up with Sam. Even though he seemed so blasé towards her nowadays, she knew that he was not completely over her yet. She hated that her own insecurities and issues had led her to such a poor choice. No matter how much he had hurt her all those months ago, he didn't deserve this. While she replaced her Nuvaring, she promised herself that she would talk to him today and that they would not sleep together again. But God had it been good. If nothing else, they were definitely compatible when it came to sex...

Later Sam had hurried into her bedroom and explained he would go and fetch his truck. She was positively surprised by this behavior. She had expected him to be clingy or that he would at least try for another round this morning. Instead he had left her to get ready on her own and then had not even tried to kiss her. Maybe she had been wrong about him, maybe he _was_ over her. Suddenly she was not sure, how she felt about that.

* * *

Sam arrived at the station just on time for a quick change of clothes, before he he had to be in parade. He saw the map and markers at the front of the room and sighed. Today was the charity run. He had completely forgotten about it. Unfortunately it meant all the roads would be blocked and he definitely had to hurry if he wanted to get to St. Catharines before nightfall. He heard Frank explain the tasks to the unis and tuned him out. It was no longer his job. Crowd control was not a job for the detectives. Instead his thoughts drifted to his family.

He knew, he could not avoid his sister forever. In the last five months he had only seen her once and if he didn't want her pounding on his door in the near future, he would have to visit her sooner or later. But a week with Sarah and their mother was going to be tough.

He knew, his mother didn't have much time left, but to be in closed quarters with her like this was going to be exhausting. Both he and Sarah were very well aware, that either or even both of them could end up like their mother and it scared Sam immensely. In the beginning it had been endearing, when Rebeccah couldn't remember anymore, if Sam had graduated from the Academy in 1996 or in 1986. He had joked and told her, that even though he was smart, even he couldn't finish high school as an eight year old. They had joked about it and made it a point to forget about the incident as quick as possible. She was only getting older and older people tended to forget things. Dementia was something that other people got. No, they would be spared that fate that was not something that run in their family. Of course not.

It wasn't until a lot later, when Rebeccah Swarek was diagnosed with Multi-Infarct-Dementia, that Sam remembered all the incidents that should have clued him in. In the last few years, his mother's condition had progressed so far, that she usually stayed in a dementia ward in a nursing home. He hated to see his mother locked up, but neither he nor Sarah had the time to look after her for twenty four hours a day. Whenever he was plagued with a guilty conscience he made himself remember, that more often than not she didn't even recognize him when he visited.

But now, he would spend the whole week of Sukkot with her. This week was going to be stressful. He personally didn't see the point in Sarah's attempts to revive old memories. But he knew, that it was important for his sister. So he had given in. After all it had taken her a lot of energy and reassurances to spring their mother free for these days. In the end the facility had agreed to release her temporarily into the custody of her son, the police officer. Sam was pretty sure, that by now Sarah's home would feel more like a fortress, than a normal house. While Sarah was generally already quite particular with the safety of her home, she was sure no one could enter or leave the house now without setting of at least three alarms. The only thing he had to do now was to make sure she wouldn't hurt herself while she was with them.

He stirred in his coffee and let his gaze wander around the room. So far he had all his cases finished and all his files in order. If any of the other detectives would need something while he was away, they would know where to get it. Jules Scarlatti sat at a table on the other end of the room. Her long hair fell down onto the paper in front of her. When Sam looked at her like this he wondered what would have happened if he had chosen differently. What if he had stayed with her? Would they still be together now? Would they maybe even have gotten married? Back then, he still had been the marrying type. But would she have been happy? Would she have always longed for something else. Something he and no other man could give her. Would she have broken his heart instead of the other way around in the end? The job with ETF had taken its toll on her, he could see that clearly. He knew, that she hadn't dated seriously while she was with strategic response and that she had only come out about a year ago, but he still felt guilty. Had he destroyed her faith in love? He hoped he had not.

Just then she looked up and smiled at him. He was embarrassed, that he had been caught. Ever since he had started working at Fifteen's Detective Office, he had wanted to talk to her. He owed her an apology and definitely an explanation, but somehow he never caught her away from their colleagues. Now, today, they worked finally alone, and today he had already enough on his mind not to add another love drama.

* * *

Andy had been surprised, not to say a little bit disappointed, that Sam had only texted her and explained that he would be away for the next week or so. While she was glad, that he had not caught her after parade, she was a bit miffed about the impersonal means of communication. Was he actually the one running this time? Was it because of their shenanigans from the previous night? She had expected him to relapse into his wooing self again, but she never imagined him to be so cool about it. It was as if he had switched off his feelings for her.

During the day, she stayed occupied with work. Her pounding headache prohibited any unnecessary thinking anyway. The effect of the pills Sam had provided her with in the morning was long gone.

She had been been given one of the most boring assignments for the day and had to watch over parking today. Slowly she and Officer Yuki wandered around the streets and kept their eyes open for blocked emergency exits and fire lanes. It was monotonous work, but she knew someone had to do it. Now, after all the excitement of the task force, Andy wondered how Sam had managed to go back to fender benders and noise complains. She took a deep breath and continued her way down the sidewalk. The work was dull and slow. She hadn't witnessed anything exciting to whole morning and by now she almost wished that someone was jaywalking, if only to have some human interaction for a change.

Jason Yuki and she had spent most of their shift in idle chit chat. He had heard from some of his contacts within the Organized Crime Unit about her job undercover. They had spent the about two hours after their lunch break swapping UC stories. Officer Yuki's father had migrated to Canada forty years ago and with his Asian features, Yuki had been chosen to infiltrate a militant First Nations-Circle.

She had been halfway down the block when she saw the shoe. She remembered, that once upon a time, her mom had bought a pair of blue heels with a small rose on top, just like this one. Andy hadn't been older than ten at the time, but she had loved these shoes. Every time she had played dress up, she would sneak into her mom's closet to get them. Her feelings towards the stupid shoes only ever changed, after her mother left. She had been fourteen at the time and had become quite aware of what the fashion magazines propagated. Still her mother had left the shoes right there on her shoe rack, when she left them. No proper goodbye, no explanation why she was leaving. She only left her a pair of shoes, that had been out of fashion for at least five years. Andy had taken the shoes and hurled them across the room, right into the picture of her dad, her mom and herself. The glass had cracked and she had cut her finger as she tried to pick up the shards. The last time she saw them, Andy had chucked the shoes together with the photo in a box and had put them on the pile of junk her mother left behind, ready to be thrown away.

And today she found a vintage shoe, exactly like the one her mother had, on the sidewalk. Unfortunately the shoe was still on a foot. A foot that stuck out from under the garbage bags on the sidewalk. Andy was pretty sure she knew, what she would find beneath those black bags. But she needed to check anyway. Softly she touched Officer Yuki on his arm and pointed to the pale foot. Her companion raised his eyebrows and got out his gloves, before he checked the pulse on the ankle. The foot was cold and immobile. There was no doubt in their minds. The person beneath the trash was dead.

In the years she had spend on the force, Andy had seen several dead bodies and she knew what the protocol was, still this discovery was different. It felt almost as if someone had planted the body there for her to find it.

They got out the yellow tape and moved to secure a perimeter. By the time Andy had tied the last end to a drain pipe, Officer Yuki had already informed the homicide detective on call of their findings.

Detective Lindholm was about fifty-five years old and almost a wide as she was high. Her short legs swung out to the side to accommodate the mass of her thighs. Short of breath from the sixty meters from the car to the crime scene, she greeted Andy and her partner with a panted 'Hello'. On the phone she had sounded competent and in charge, not at all like the woman who was just now trying to cover her enormous behind self-consciously. Her thin grayish hair was cut into a long bob and this morning she had obviously not taken the time to style it properly. It was probably meant to look flattering to her round face, but only managed to emphasize her double chin.

Andy knew, that Luke liked Angela Lindholm. He believed her to be quite capable and relentless. But Andy felt unsure of her approach. She felt like this woman was not only dumped, she believed someone had deliberately placed her there. She had no idea why she thought that, but her gut told her this was not random.

Slowly she looked up and down the streets. There were some night clubs on the block. Some alleys where one could find dealers selling cheap coke on a friday or saturday night. But all in all, this neighborhood was not too dangerous or notorious. Most of the businesses around here were rather tame, no drug trafficking. A lot of them even turned minors away. Andy raised her head up slowly to the upper floors of the street. In the daylight she couldn't see anything except dirty window panes. There was no telling, if someone was actually home or had witnessed something.

Andy's shifted back to the scene in front of her as the crime techs lifted the black bags slowly off the body. The dress, the dead woman had worn was short. Its metallic blue sequins sparkled in the sunlight, but Andy's focus was not on the dress. Her skirt had been shoved up to her waist and her panties had been ripped right off her body. She lay bare and exposed in the pile of dirt. Blood was smeared on her thighs.

After all the vicious behavior Andy had witnessed while she was with the Hordes, she hated seeing another woman brutalized like this. She hated how the crime techs took their pictures of those most private parts of a body, before they had even seen the face of the victim. Andy didn't need to see the face to know, that whoever had died here had endured unfathomable fear and pain before she died. Once upon a time, when she had been alone with Ray Nixon in a storage locker, she had gotten a taste of what this woman must have felt in the last hour of her life.

Even though the discovery had upset Andy, she had still managed to put on a brave face and had done a good job at keeping her emotions in check. That was until the Crime Techs lifted the last of the bags and revealed the face of the victim. It wasn't the smell of decay and it was not the bruises, that made Andy's stomach revolt. Even though she had seen her only a few times and their interactions had consisted of nothing more than asking what kind of booze Rick and Sandy would like to drink, Andy had recognized her right away. She was one of the girls, the club had turned out to earn some money for them. When Andy had last seen her, she had been beautiful with her bright blue eyes and her long red locks. Now her hair was crusted and matted to the side of her head, the blood and grey matter was still sticking to the plastic beneath her. Her right eye was swollen shut and everywhere on her upper body she had bruises.

Andy felt the bile rise in her throat and hurried off. She could not throw up in the middle of a crime scene.

The Hordes of Chaos were all in jail. Luke had reassured her, that there would be no way, they could get any message out without them knowing about it. She herself had made sure, they could decipher it. But someone must have eluded them then. Dana had been only a small fish when she was with the Hordes of Chaos and now she was dead.

Andy and Nick had been the ones who had brought them down. They might have collected enough evidence to keep their identities protected, but she was still scared. She could only imagine what they would do with her, if they ever got them. Careful not to look at the corpse, Andy made her way back to the crime scene. If this was really related to their biker bust, she had to leave now. There was no telling on who was watching them. And if she had already been identified.

Slowly she approached Officer Yuki and told him, that it was important that she got off the streets and away from this place as soon as possible. She asked him to relay a message to Detective Lindholm, that she would wait at headquarters with important information on the case. Carefully she pulled off her nametag from her vest and dropped her hat into her face as far as it would go. She needed to go see Luke right away.


	10. Chapter 10

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

_About this story:_

_This work is pure fiction. I did not do scientific research on really anything in this story. I was simply inspired by other works of fictions and took the facts from published authors, TV shows and the oh so unreliable internet. _

_I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I count on you to point out any linguistic or cultural mistakes I make. Thank you very much. And please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so whenever I mess up with structures, terms and laws, tell me. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible._

_First and formost I would like to thank Jelly Bean Jenna for her linguistic skills as well as RBCrazyFan for her cultural advise._

_A special thanks goes to linda p., jh126, smdaniels20 and 1mcswarek for their wonderful reviews._

* * *

October 2, 2012

After Andy's discovery, Nick and Andy's work routine changed dramatically. Luke had contacted RMCP and checked the whereabouts of all Canadian club members right away. After he had gotten the information that all men were securely imprisoned, he even went so far and contacted the various Departments of Corrections and the federal agencies involved for any information on the American chapters. However just like in Canada it seemed to be everything in order.

No one had any idea how Dana had died. Luke had spent hours with Detective Lindholm and gone over every little detail. He had even suggested to take over the case. But Lindholm had been certain that this death and the BEU were unrelated. Andy was still not so sure about it. It sure seemed liberate to place the body on her beat. They must have wanted her to find it. She couldn't find another explanation. It didn't matter that Dr. Mansfield had tried to explain, that her behavior was to be expected and that paranoia and an ego-centrical view were normal after any undercover operation. Her gut told her, there was more to this death than the murder of your usual high-risk target.

As far as Andy knew Dana hadn't worked the streets. She had worked in a brothel. A well kept brothel with serious enforcers. If they got an outhouse call, they vetted their clients. They made sure no one harmed their merchandise. The Canadian women were all well groomed and trained. Dana had been a high end product.

It were the foreign girls who were handled differently. After all they served a different kind of client. For them it was good to look innocent and frightened. Andy was almost certain, that Dana would not have been with the other girls. There was no money to be earned. Their money went directly into the pockets of the Hordes of Chaos.

So then, why was Dana dead? Of course they had never carded C.I. during the whole time undercover. It one of these things Andy had learned from Sam. And she was glad that there were no records of their C.I.s. But Dana hadn't even been a CI. She could only imagine what would happen if the club ever found out, who supplied the police with information. Andy knew something was very wrong, but she could not put her finger on it. Dana hadn't given them any information, but she had been so close to the club circles, that her death couldn't be a coincident. There was no way.

She wished, she could help with the investigation. After all she had known her. And she knew, where they should start to ask questions. But Luke and Frank had been strict. They were not to work the streets or interfere with the investigation. As long as the threat assessment was not completed, they were to stay inside the barn. They were to be kept away from any contact with criminals. No one wanted to risk the life of one of their own. One fatal UC per year was more than enough.

So basically all she and Nick were allowed to do now was to help the detectives with their paperwork, answer the phone and make coffee. Andy felt like she was punished. But she also knew that it was necessary. They had waited weeks for the bust to go down and they had invested so much more time, only because they needed enough evidence to protect their undercover identities and especially not to appear in court. If they outed themselves now as cops, they were going to be in grave danger. So they stayed away. If not for themselves, then at least for their loved ones.

Still, Andy was miserable. She missed the streets. She missed riding around in the cruiser. She even missed the foot patrols. She would take the smell of an alley every time now over the dusty air of the filing room. She was back at Fifteen for only a month and now she was benched.

At least Traci had been great and had made sure, that the detectives requested Andy almost every day. Working with the detectives she could be at least a little bit productive.

So now she sat at Sam's desk and studied crime scene photos. When Traci had first told her she could sit at Sam's desk, she was a bit annoyed. It seemed like they were back to her pushing Andy towards Sam. But Andy had soon found out, that Traci had acted out of convenience. While he was away for the week, Andy could work a lot more comfortable on an own desk.

Andy's imagination had run wild, when she found out, that Sam was gone for over a week just after they had slept together. She had wondered if Sam was gone because of her. She hadn't dared to ask Oliver or any of their other colleagues, because she didn't want the rumor mill to start again. So she accepted the "family stuff" Best gave as an excuse at the next parade. It took her some time and a lot of patience, but Andy finally learned from the different of overheard conversations, that Sam had applied for the personal days additionally to his rotation downtime a long time ago. But strangely enough somewhere deep down she felt hurt. Sam was not running from her, but he had simply made plans without her. In the back of her mind a mean, little voice surfaced. She had never been introduced to his family. Andy knew only the very basics about his family. Not once had he invited her to go with him to visit. He had not even talked about introducing them. As far as Andy was concerned none of his family knew about her.

Now, he went there for over a week. Would he have gone without her, if they were still together? Would he have invited her to come along? Sam had said, he was serious about them trying again. Hell, he had made plans to get a dog. He had painted this pretty picture of a stable home life, exactly what Andy wanted. And now, he did what he always did. He made plans for himself and didn't think to invite her along. He said he would do whatever it took. He told her so many times, that she would not get rid of him. She had started to believe him.

But now Andy got the feeling, that he had given up. Her gut told her, he was ready to move on. And despite all her reassurances that she was so over him and only interested in Nick, it hurt.

Andy felt the self-doubt creep up on her once more. Obviously he had decided, that she was not worth it. He had decided, that she was enough to stick around for.

She got up and hurried into the filing basement. Now that she was not allowed out on the streets, it had become her secret retreat. A place no one would come looking for her and she could let out all the emotions. Once in the furthest corner, she slid down against a filing cabinet and began to pull on her hair.

Their relationship was one big clusterfuck. She didn't know how they had managed to screw it up so royally, but they had made a real mess out of things. And now she had complicated it even more.

Andy felt like she needed to talk to Sam and discuss her temporary lack of judgement. Or was it really that? Were her feeling for Sam really gone? She knew, she still felt immensely attracted to Nick, but how did she feel towards Sam? She believed, that a woman was just as capable as any man to have meaningless sex with someone. But there had been something there when she opened the eyes and looked into Sam's face... Somehow she wasn't shocked to see him in her bedroom. She had chalked it up to their history. It wasn't new to see him first thing in the morning. It seemed so logical, that their familiarity with each other would surface in such a situation. But was that really all that it was? She was frustrated.

There was nothing she wanted more than to get over Sam. And now she had sabotaged herself. If she gave into her bodily needs every time she came near him, they would never get away from each other. She knew, that she had to make better choices in the future. The alcohol had made her egoistical and it was not fair to Sam. He deserved better than to be toyed with. But the comfort he had given her that night had been too tempting. No, she would not think like that anymore. She would have to let him go. She could not use him as a crutch to get over Nick. He was too decent for that. He deserved something more than that!

Andy closed her eyes and breathed slowly in and out for a moment. In her mind formulated a mantra. She promised herself that she would let Sam go. She would not toy with his feelings anymore. She would stay away from him as long as she needed until she could act normal towards him. She would suffer through the days with Nick on her own. She would not go and seek comfort with Sam. It was time to let him go. He deserved more than her. He deserved to be happy.

Something in her chest constricted. She had worked hard to make herself believe, that after all these months she only felt sympathy for Sam, nothing more. But slowly she came to realize that her feelings were rather buried than gone like she had believed. And it scared the living daylight out of her. Because she knew: This time she would not survive it, if he walked away again.

* * *

Sam's time with his family was exhausting. His family was never the happy, perfect family, he had so desperately wished for as a child. With his mother's health declining, he and Sarah acted more often than not as the voices of reason. Even though it meant that she was getting worse, he had silently been thankful, when he realized that his mom would spend most of her time in a wheelchair. Her fragile state didn't allow her to go more than a few steps and she was certainly not capable to climb any stairs anymore. Keeping taps on her was going to be a lot easier now. Sarah had employed Sam to remove any barriers in her first floor and even made him build a sukkah on the same level as her backporch. Sam had shaken his head, he would have gladly pushed Rebeccah over the threshold. But even while he cursed about the unnecessary work, he was secretely glad for those last few memories he would have with his family. He knew, his father would probably have commented on every ritual they shared during this week, but he didn't give a damn about the old man's opinion anymore. Karel had given up all rights when he left a traumatized child with her overworked mother and a gullible little boy.

They weren't here to get the traditions right. Sarah wanted to help her mother recreate a Sukkot, her parents had celebrated with her all those years ago. And Sam was going to make sure, that they would succeed.

At night he lay awake and listened to their breathing and wondered about his memories. Would he have good memories like his mother had? Would he have children to forget? How much time of his life did he spend actually happy. Of course he had happy times in the past. He could remember one or two moments from highschool and there was were all these little moments, when he felt he must combust with love. And he wondered if his happiest day would fade away with his deepest hurt or if he would be able to see these events as seperate issues then. His thoughts moved away from Maria and towards Andy. They had known each other over three years now, but he had spend most of the time pining for her. He felt even though they shared some deep connection they never got to be completely honest with eachother. He knew, he had tried to shield her from himself and he knew that she had been just as unable to share her innermost thoughts. They had been both so happy for finally getting together, that neither of them wanted to risk it by introducing the other to their demons, that raged inside the dark abyss of their soul.

Now that he looked back on his life, he realized how much time he had spent with the scum of Toronto's underworld. He flicted through the pages of his life and every time he opened the book, an event jump up at him, something where he had acted wrong, another shortcoming. He felt like his life was a sequence of all his failures.

He heard Dingo, Sarah's Pittbull, whine on the other side of the wodden wall. He wrapped his blanked around his torso and looked up into the stars. Silently he made up his mind, he was going to turn his life around. After all the New Year was only two weeks old. This year he would make things right. Of ourse that meant, he would have to have some very serious discussions with Jules and Maria, but he would face them. And he promised himself that he would quit his bad habbits. He would leave McNally alone. She said, she didn't want him anymore, so he would comply to her wishes and let her move on. It didn't matter if she would fling herself in Collin's arms. He would congratulate them and deal with it. He would make a serious effort to get over her, maybe he would even meet someone and start dating.

The next morning, when he woke up, it was still dark outside and unimaginable cold inside their booth. Still Sam felt almost anything of his tense muscles. He felt wellrested and peaceful. He was about to change his life and it felt good!


	11. Chapter 11

**********Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. ****The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.** As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. 

About this story:

_This work is pure fiction. I did not do scientific research on really anything in this story. I was simply inspired by other works of fictions and took the facts from published authors, TV shows and the oh so unreliable internet. _

_I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I count on you to point out any linguistic or cultural mistakes I make. Thank you very much. And please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so whenever I mess up with structures, terms and laws, tell me. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible._

**A very special "Thank you!" goes again to Jelly Bean Jenna for her patience with my mediocre writing skills.**

**I would like to show my appreciation to MamaluvsRB aswell. She gave me the idea for this chapter a while back. I hope that Andy will redeem herself a little bit with this chapter. If not, write me your concerns and I will try to integrate an explanation into the story.**

**Finally I would like to thank all reviewers, especially 1mcswarek for the signed review. I appreciate your input.**

* * *

_October 4, 2012_

„I know...

Yes, she told me...

But listen! They never checked...

Because it isn't in the report...

Of course, I pulled the file...

Luke, this might very well put Nick and me in danger. Wouldn't you want to know, what the other side is up to? …

Yeah …

But...

Well, I'm working with the Ds right now and she was found in our division. So I requested it...

Luke, I'm telling you, Lindholm is wrong!"

Andy was getting angrier with Luke by the second. He had not listened to a word she said since she had called him. He was just as ignorant as the stupid detective Lindholm.

The Hordes of Chaos were involved in Dana's murder. It stuck out a mile. So why was no one following that lead?

She found some glue residue on the desk pad and starting rubbing at it furiously. The harder she rubbed, the more it got smeared across the surface and Luke was still not listening. At the moment he was going on about the first class detective that Lindholm was and that she, Andy, should not worry about anything. But Andy only pressed the receiver to her ear with her shoulder and waited for Luke to end his tyrade, so she could explain it to him. When he finally ended his monolog she took a deep breath.

„Luke, I know that Lindholm has a stellar reputation and I do believe that she has done a good job so far. But the MO is so familiar to me. I am certain that it is the handywork of the MC. ..They always brutalized the stubborn girls and then paraded them in front of the others as a warning. Believe me, they planted the body there so that Nick or I would hear about it. They are threatening us with what they will do, once they get their hands on any of us. They want to send us a message!"

After she had endured another lengthy explanation why her theory was not probable, Andy spoke up once more. By now the pad had a sticky stain in the size of a Dollar coin and Andy's finger tips were black with the grime.

„Then explain to me, why Dana was wearing my mom's shoes? Isn't that a little bit too much of a coincidence? These shoes are out of fashion for at least fifteen years. Dana would never have worn those shoes voluntarily. She would rather go barefoot that wear last season's fashion. I tell you it was them. They know already every single detail of our lives already and they are using it against us!"

Andy was frustrated and even though she had not managed to change Luke's mind, she was glad the call was over. She was tired of being called paranoid. She was definitely not paranoid. There was a message there and they were all stupid to ignore it. She pushed herself back from the desk and stood up.

She hated, that still wasn't through with the mandatory counciling. Nick had been cleared for weeks now and she was still running there, as if she was deeply traumatized. She had experienced the same things as Nick, so why could she not go on with her life now?

Andy stepped into Dr. Paviri's office and settled in the chair she had sat in for almost two months now. She knew she was stubborn and uncooperative, but she couldn't see the point. It had been Dr. Paviri who had declared her fit for undercover work. Did she changed her mind now, or why did she have to come here week after week. She looked around the small office. It was nothing like the psychologist offices from TV shows. The room was painted white and had the typical blue office carpet. The blinds hung vertically in front of the window and began to yellow at the corners. The good doctor had tried to brighten the office with some art prints, but it still looked cold. Andy wondered how anyone could open up in such dreary place.

„You know Dr. Paviri, I read your pamphlets while I was waiting. You write there that you talk to the officers immediately after the incident and then a week later again. There is nothing written in there about months on a couch. I told you I am fine." Andy began after a curt 'hello'.

With a small smile Dr. Paviri closed her door and settled on the the chair oposite Andy „Hello to you too. Of course you are right, Andy. I know pamphlet you mean and it really says that. But you should have read it more carefully. This procedure is meant for difficult situations during regular shifts. I mean something like an upsetting car accident, talking to assault victims etc. Working undercover is a little bit more complex. Why don't you want to come here?"

„I just don't see the point. I mean you cleared me for undercover work and I did all my debriefings afterwards. I didn't kill anyone and I have a support system at home. I think, I am in an even better position than Nick and he has been cleared."

„Well, as you know I am not allowed to talk about Nick with you. But what do you know about Nick's mental health status?"

„I know, that he went here only a couple of weeks and that he doesn't have to come back. And the guy was in Afghanistan before. He should be a lot more messed up than me."

„So you think, that having been to Afghanistan is cause for more counceling than for less?"

Andy was frustrated. The doctor didn't get her point at all. „Yeah, of course. I mean he was in a war zone and he was playing the scumbag while we were under. I was quite tame compared to him. I doubt that veteran meetings were that helpful there."

To Andy's annoyance Dr. Paviri only asked more questions after she had finished. „So, you don't think, that Nick could have learned some coping techniques in these meetings? That maybe he already had a strategy, for how he could deal with his issues?"

„I didn't say that. I just believe he should be more messed up than me. But he is coming back and everything falls into place again. He is even back with Gail and he left her for a second time. And she had to go through the trial all by herself. Gail is so fragile and resentful and still she took him back. Why is he getting his old life back and I am still stuck here?"

„You think, that he is living the same live as before?"

„Yeah, of course I do. He is back in uniform. He is doing a great job as always. And he has his old girlfriend back. He is just picking his life up, where he left it before. And I have to come here again and again. If you just gave me a chance and let me be, my life might go back to the way it used to be."

Slowly Dr. Paviri opened her notebook and took out a pencil. After sribbling down a few words she looked up again and asked Andy „Do you want your old life back?"

„Yes! I mean, it won't be the same life. Obviously, Sam and I are not together anymore, and after my major fuck up, I doubt there is any chance for us getting back together, but I don't want to come here anymore."

„Ok, Andy. I hear you. But I would like to point a few things out for you. The Toronto Police Service only hired us police psychologists only a few years ago. And my job discription is not to make your life harder. We want to improve the quality of your life. We don't want our officers to suffer for years, just because they didn't get the right help in time. Do you remember Adam Edisson? There was an article about him in the Sun not too long ago. He commited suicide thirty years after the triggering incident happened. Even three decades later he was still suffering from posttraumatic stress. I would like to spare you that. I know that you were not physically injured or assaulted, but you had to betray your believe system for months. You had to witness brutality and you had to like it, when your first instict would have been to help.

Once you came back you had to learn how to work as a team again. You had to mend a lot of fences and catch up a lot. Not only on events but on interpersonal relationships aswell. There are very few undercover officers who understand, that they are not coming back to their lives as they were. And egocentrical views are normal for former UC-officers. You use the drama in your life to cover up, how much it hurts you, that you feel like an outsider. At the same time you are paranoid, that some of the marks escaped the arrest and are looking for you.

I know that is difficult for you now, but even before you left, you were in a state of constant confusion. Not only were you taking care of your best friend, but you did also dealt with the guilt you felt for the death of her fiancé. You never once dealt with the fact, that you were assaulted in your own home. You stayed there and were reminded of everything that night triggered. When Sam broke up with you, you didn't verbalized your feelings towards your usual confidante, because you were afraid of how it would affect Traci. You kept it all locked up. The only person you were able to vent to was your mother, who you still distrust deep down because she abandoned you. Instead of forcing you to face your issues, she advised you to ignore them and to focus on something else. And you didn't ask yourself, if you wanted in on the task force. You only thought, you had to want it.

And then the last days at Fifteen, before you left. You were just cleared by Internal Affairs, you applied in a hurry for the task force and then on your last day there all hell broke loose. That day you should have had counceling. You were assaulted, feared for your life and were in emotional overdrive. I am still angry with Mr. Callaghan, that he obmitted that when he presented you. Please don't take this the wrong way. I remember back then, that I wished I had been allowed to advise against you. But my job was it only to assess if you would be able to work undercover. Even before you went under, I wanted you to attend counceling.

Constable McNally, I want you to attend these sessions, because I want you to keep your badge. I believe you are a great police officer and I fear that you will turn to the wrong coping mechanisms, if you don't start dealing with your issues. I sincerely hope you give counceling a chance. If you find it difficult to talk to me or Dr. Mansfield, I am more than happy to give you a referral to someone you can trust."

Andy sat on her chair wide eyed. She had always believed it was the job of a shrink, to let the subject talk, to draw it all out. But she heard a elaborate sermon just now from Dr. Paviri. And she had to admit, she had been right with almost everything she said. Summed up like this Andy felt, like maybe, just maybe, she really needed some impartial thoughts on the matter. Maybe it was time to correct the course. But she was afraid. She didn't want to open Pandora's box. She had so many dark memories she had banned to the back of her mind and imprisoned with layers of barbed wire. She didn't want to drag them up. It would hurt too much and tear deep cuts into her soul. She had managed to live quite happily with them. There was no need to examine them now, or so she had thought until thirty minutes ago. Andy didn't know how long she had sat there, lost in thought. Slowly she came back to the present. Dr. Paviri seemed to doodle on the page in her book. Andy shifted in her chair and she looked up from her drawing, a smile on her face.

„So Andy, do you think we can talk about Sam now? Why do you think you fucked that up?"

„I don't know. I just did." Andy shrugged her shoulders.

„Then can you tell me, how you did that?" asked Dr. Paviri still with an attentive smile on her face.

With a quivering lip Andy started „I was cruel to him. He told me he loved me and told him it was too late. And then he asked for a drink and I leave because I take the job over him. Who does that? You are supposed to always choose love. What kind of person would rather take a job, than to work things out with the love of your life? I am just as bad as my mother. So fucking egoistical. And Sam waited for me. He was supposed to hate me. But even after I treated him like crap, he waited for such a selfish bitch. All the time undercover I was convinced he would have moved on, when I came back. I was so sure, he would not wait around. I didn't want him to wait for me. I am not worth it. He was supposed to find someone. He was supposed to find someone who deserved him. And I come back and all Sam did, was wait for me. And he didn't give up. He didn't even loose faith after I told him again, that it was over. I was so cruel towards him, when I said that. He suffered enough. And he brings me flowers and love notes. I am a horrible person.

And then I go and hang out with him, when he finally starts to keep his distance. I should have left him alone. But no, I am so egoistical, that I go looking for him, just because I am love sick. I should have asked Best to let me switch platoons. Ok, maybe I wouldn't be working with the Chris and the others, if I'd switched to the opposite shift schedule, but at least I would not have seen Nick and Gail together anymore and would have given Sam the space, he deserves. Instead I seduced him. He was already on his way out of the door and I pull him down and start kissing him. And then I whine, because he is not all over me the next day. I was the one who wanted him to keep his distance. I was the one, who decided it would be easier for him to move on, if he hated me. Now, that he is living his own life and is not fawning over me, I want him again. What is wrong with me? Where is all this sadistic energy coming from?"

The tears were streaming down Andy's face. She knew she had been horrible towards him, but now that she finally verbalized all her regrets, the selfloathing had her in an iron grip. She felt like she was back in highschool. She had never been manipulative or cruel towards her boyfriends. She had always hated those girls who played mindgames. And now she had become one of them. And it was not her, who suffered under it. Sam was the victim. If not for herself or her career, she was determined now to continue counceling now, at the very least to learn how she could make Sam's life as easy as possible.

The answer Dr. Paviri gave Andy was not what she had expected. It hit Andy right in her chest and made her hang her head in shame. „Oh poor little Andy. Yes, you are such a bad person. Is that what you want to hear? What is all that selfloathing about? You think I buy that crap? You and me, we both know, that your issues with Sam run a lot deeper than you being cruel. And feeling sorry for yourself? I guess you are right, you are really egoistical. But you are going to stop that right now. You are not going to deflect my questions anymore, girl. I don't care if I have to cancel the rest of my day, but you are not leaving here before we got somewhere!"

Dr. Paviri took a deep breath and refocused her gaze on Andy before she continued in a much softer voice.

„I know, that you blame yourself for everything that happened with Sam and I still don't know all about your relationship with him, because you still refuse to talk about him. You going on and on and how everything is your fault is just another way to deflect from what is really going on. You used your atraction towards Nick as a shield to hide behind, now you chanel all your negative thoughts into this selfloathing. But you still haven't dealt with the real problem here. It's time, Andy. It has worn you out too much, you need to move forward."


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.**

_I am not a native speaker and have never been across the Atlantic. I count on you to point out any linguistic or cultural mistakes I make. Thank you very much. And please be indulgent if I don't get it right. My knowledge of Canadian legal proceedings is very limited, so whenever I mess up with structures, terms and laws, tell me. Of course any suggestions to any topic are appreciated. I'd like to make the story as authentic and believable as possible._

_Finally, I kindly ask you not to leave any abusive reviews about any character._

_AN: Jelly Bean Jenna deserves a big thank you for her betaing. I would also like to thank MamaluvsRB, linda p. and Sammei1998 for reviewing._

* * *

_October 4 2012_

Maybe it was his reflections over the previous night, maybe it was having his mother around, but as soon as Sam woke up, he went on a quest to find Sarah's old scrapbooks. He had always made fun of her for keeping the albums, never really understood why she spent so much time assembling them. As a snotty teenager, he hinted once or twice even, that she did it for the glue fumes. Only when he had been studying for his Detective exams, had he understood that her need to document every little event in her life was a result of the attack, and the reason behind the albums. He has never met anyone else with such a superb memory as his sister, still she filed any physical memento away.

By the time he had found them he had not only woken Dingo, but had forced Sarah out of her sleeping bag as well. In the end he had needed her help to find the right ones anyway. Like so many other things her order of the books defied any logic. Sam had started in chronological order though. First his highschool years. They seemed like ages ago. He was never the super popular kid, but he wasn't the geek either. He just flew under the radar. Maria and he had been entities of their own. Even though everyone was aware of them, they were their own little group. He brushed a fingertip over a dog-ear folded on the corner of one of the pictures. Sarah had insisted on taking it. She claimed every first should be documented, even if it was the first time he was suspended. Maria had been furious, that Sam had taken all the blame, but Sam had been adamant. He told her, if she got suspended for something she did together with him, her father would never let them be together. In the end Maria had given in. Her old man had been rather strict and not too fond of Sam to begin with.

At the thought of Maria Sam's stomach started to tighten. He had no idea, how he managed to mess that up every single time. It definitely had been a surprise to see her again so unexpectedly. And he knew, that he should have been angry with her, when she appeared so out of the blue. But at that moment his irritation had been focused on someone else entirely.

He had trouble coming to terms with Andy's departure and had been stuck with his anger. Even then he knew somewhere deep down, that he was only going through one of five stages of grief. But for a brief moment he allowed himself some nostalgic feelings.

_October 5 2012_

It is his mother who brings up his love life again a day later. They are sitting on Sarah's porch and enjoying the last warm rays of sunshine. For the last twenty four hours Sam had done a stellar job at pushing his romantic thoughts away. But looking into the greenery that surrounds Sarah's home, he couldn't help but let his thoughts wander. He must have worn an anguished expression on his face, because suddenly his mother spoke up.

"I know you still love Maria. You need to fix this, Sam. You have been apart for too long. I want to have grandchildren before I get old and forget my name." She ended her statement with a small smile on her lips, as if she could not imagine, that something like that could happen. Unfortunately, it was more often than not these days, that she couldn't remember who she was. But Sam had gone to his dark place already, he mourned the loss of his mother even though she was sitting right next to him. And on top of that, there was the whole mess of his love life. He didn't dare to bring up his memories of his night with Andy. It had felt so good to be desired by her. He had gained a huge amount of hope, when she made her move on him. But the hope was equally squashed just as quickly, when he woke up the next morning in her apartment and realized that she had changed. He got the feeling that she was not the same Andy anymore. The one he had loved so much. While he always found her insecurities endearing; first during their friendship and even later in their relationship, he found it tiring now that she was all over the map these days. He knew, that a lot of it had to do with her UC work. He could still remember, how confused he had been, after he came back for the first time. And back then they had eased him into undercover work slowly. Only a couple of weeks at first. A rather easy target.

But Callaghan had thrown Collins and McNally into the deep end. Working MCs was as hard as it could get. Not only did they have to know the law, but they had to be fluent in mechanical talk and their honor code, too.

He was pretty sure McNally was still working through and coming too terms with the past few months. He had been patient and waited for her. Hell, he had waited for her the whole time she had been under. He knew, she would have to adapt to enough new things, so he had made it his mantra. He was going to be her constant. The one thing she could rely on. He was going to love her then and he was going to love her a year from now. Sam also knew that none of his friends understood his reasoning, but he had been sure Andy would appreciate it, once she came back. He had been so sure, that she would be grateful, that his love for her would never change. He had been certain, so much so that he never considered that maybe she had changed while she was under.

He had never been under with a partner before and now he knew, that Collins had become her constant. Collins was the one who always had her back. He was the one who made it possible for Andy to change, to move on, even though her real life had been on hold. Now Sam knew that it was stupid to transfer his experiences undercover onto Andy and her's.

Sam thought a while longer, before he realized that they would have had a better chance at a new start, if he had tried to make a new life, post-Jerry, for himself. Once more his planning backfired. He had been too obsessed with what had been and not realized, that they would never be like how they were. Jerry was dead and they both could not take their words back. The anguish in his heart was great, but it stimulated his stubborn side too. Nothing had managed to break him, he would not let this break him.

_October 6 2012_

The form was simple. Only one page of paperwork, really just a formality. One page which could mean, if not filed in a timely manner, three months of suspension. She had already experienced it and never wanted to repeat that ever again. Nevertheless Andy was not sure, she should actually do it. She knew Frank would be absolutely discreet and not mention anything. He would simply file it away for Human Resources.

But she was absolutely terrified, what this meant. It was more than some random paperwork. It meant admitting, what she refused to acknowledge for so long. Writing it down on paper now made her queasy. Was she really ready to go there again? The last time they had crashed and burned. But she had already missed out on so much, simply out of self preservation. Maybe it was time to put herself out there again. Maybe she could get over all the hurt, maybe she could stop looking at Nick and Gail with envy in her eyes. She wished, someone else could decide for her. But it was her business. Andy hadn't dared to talk about it with Traci or Nick. Only Dr. Paviri knew about that night. And she was less than impressed. Now Andy needed to deal with this.

She remembered how hard it had been to put her relationship status in writing the last time she had filled out this form. It had been the final proof, that they had been over. She must have printed out seven copies before she managed to finish one without any smears from her tears on it.

She hadn't even managed to give it to Frank personally. No, she had needed a six pack and the wholehearted support of Nick to bring the letter to the next post box. He had been true to his word, he had been her breakup buddy and he had done a wonderful job.

And now she was going back there again. She knew, Nick would support her no matter what she wanted too do. But something made her hesitate to confide in him.

She just closed the envelope when she heard the knock on her door. It was so soft, she almost didn't hear it. But some of the awareness from her time undercover still lingered. Housecalls were dangerous, she learned that one the hard way. Silently she crept up to the door and looked through the peephole. It was not who she expected to see, not at all. Still, she could see that he needed her. She removed the deadbolt and unlocked the door.

The Luke she found waiting on the other side was in a pitiful state. She had seen him like this a few times before, usually when he let himself be consumed by a case.

She motioned for him to come in.

He looked tired. The lines in his forehead and around his mouth were deeper than ever. He had a pale, grayish complexion and the circles under his eyes were so dark, that he looked like he wore glasses.

He flopped down in the closest armchair he could find and buried his head in his hands.

As much as she wanted to go over there and lighten his mood, Andy had dealt with Luke in this state before. She made herself busy. Got out the kettle and started boiling water. Cluttering around the kitchen and purposely producing ordinary kitchen noises. When she finished their tea, she carried their mugs to her couch. All the time Luke hadn't moved an inch. The only indicator, that he had not fallen asleep like this, were the small sobs, that shook his body.

While she had seen him brood and grieve several times during their relationship, he rarely ever cried. And his sobs just then were not the dramatic crying kind to get her attention. They were more like a deep anguish. She was pretty sure, he didn't even want to show this vulnerable side.

It had been only been a couple of months, since they started to open up to each other again. Still, sometimes she felt like he was still hiding a crucial part of himself from her. She knew, he had the right to some privacy, but ever since her messed up relationship with Sam, she had the urge to draw every last thought out of her friends. So it was hard for her to sit there and wait for Luke to start.

When he finally reached for his mug his hands were shaking slightly. After a few sips of the hot tea, he cleared his throat and finally begun to talk.

"I am so sorry to disturb you, Andy. I know it's not your job anymore. And I can understand it, if you want me to go, but you are the only person I can think of, who can help me get out of my funk."

Andy could hear the nasal tone in his voice. An indication that he did indeed cry. She was sure, if he looked up, she would see red rimmed eyes. As she tried to suppress the urge to jump into action Luke continued.

"They deported the first girl today. She's only fifteen. Her grandparents spent all their money to send her to Canada. Wanted her to have a better future. Wanted for her to live in freedom. Her parents were arrested in 2008 and are still waiting for their trial, because they dared to criticize Lukashenko. And you know what? A soon as she gets off that plane in Minsk, the police will be waiting for her. I tried to stall. Told the CIC Department that she would have to testify in court. But the Crown Attorney thought her testimony would be irrelevant for the case. How can he claim, that being gang raped is irrelevant?"

There it was: The passion. The instincts of a protector. The rage against the perps. That was what convinced Andy, that Luke was one of the good guys. That with such a good soul like his, she could spend her life. That his moral compass would keep them on the right track. In hindsight she could see, that she had made it too easy for herself like that. That it was the small questioned morals that defined a character. That a relationship needed more than an understanding of good and bad to work.

Now that they sat there in silence, Andy wondered how far they had come. Two and a half years ago she had refused to breath the same air as Luke. Now he sought her out, when he needed comfort and she was not kicking him out anymore. She had made peace with their past. They had realized, that they could be friends. Maybe even good ones. And ever since she had that revelation, she had gotten some part of her life back. Something she didn't even know, she was missing.


End file.
